As you already know, Lindsay Lohan’s making her 43rd comeback on her new reality show this Sunday. After seeing Oprah yell at her in the trailer, I’m beyond excited to watch it. I’m also beyond excited to use this an excuse to talk about The Parent Trap. Because I’ll take any excuse to talk about the greatest summer camp movie ever made. And more specifically, I’ll take any chance to talk about Annie James and Hallie Parker. While they’re both totally cool girls who I’d sell my soul to spend time with, they’re both very different.
Identical looks aside, the two tweens have almost nothing in common. For example Annie only has a mother and Hallie only has a father! Also Annie’s from London and Hallie’s from the inside of a wine bottle. I could go on and on all day. But instead I’d prefer to talk about you! Because deep down inside of you, there’s a favorite twin. And it says everything about you. EVERYTHING! So quit pretending that you don’t like one more than the other and just pick.
You grew up in a proper home. One where you made your bed each morning and said your prayers each night. You always brushed your teeth and you always went to bed on time. One time a friend slept over at your house and whispered, “let’s sneak into the parlor after your mum’s asleep and watch PG-13 movies.” You promptly called her parents and agreed with them that a grounding was in order. After that you didn’t have any more friends. But honestly who needs friends when you have an awesome mum and a lovable butler. “Not I,” you whispered to yourself as you organized your button collection.
You got straight A’s throughout all of school and learned the art of humble bragging about it to your fellow students. “I’m so mad at myself about forgetting that decimal,” you would say aloud to no one in particular, “if only I’d remembered it I would’ve had gotten a 100% on that essay and not a stupid 99.” You lost your virginity after dating a fellow student named Todd Kensington for two years. It was fine. You love your cat, but truth be told, you wish he didn’t claw at your nightgown hem when it dragged on the floor. You have no relationship with your father.
Even though you stand to inherit millions from your mother’s designer label, you shop exclusively at the Gap Outlets. It’s a passive-aggressive move against your mom for never telling you about your identical twin sister.
You grew up in a bungalow. Or in a loft. Or even possibly in a tree house fort. You called your father by his first name. You also called your pet chinchilla by his first name. Even though it bothered him, he never said anything. The three of you loved surfing together. One time, you brought a friend home from school and showed her the cool nudie mags you found under your dad’s bed. She promptly called her parents, which led to you being asked to leave your co-op private school. From there on out, you unschooled yourself at The Hallie Parker Free Spirit Academy. By the time you reached high school, 94% of the curriculum revolved around marijuana studies.
You went to college. Well to more exact, you once went to a college campus. To steal beer from a frat house before continuing on your totally rad road trip across America. You loved that road trip, you went a lot of cool places. A Phish concert! Bonnaroo! A Waffle House! You don’t remember the first time you had sex. But you do remember that time you had it in the hammock. Ouchies! Lately though, you’ve been thinking of settling down, opening a DIY tie-die store, investing in vegan bacon. Maybe look for your mom. Although, when you think about, you’ve kinda always been looking for her. Maybe, just maybe, that’s what this road trip was all about.
Even though you stand to inherit millions from your father’s winery, you still prefer Franzia. It’s a passive-aggressive move against your dad for never telling you about your identical twin sister.