Some devilry is afoot in the Kardashian Family, because two of the most sparkling jewels in its crown have been robbed in the space of a month. First was Khloe, who reported $250,000 in jewelry taken from her home, and then it was Kourtney just a few days ago, who’s claiming a theft of $50,000 in cash, also from her home.
We don’t need to talk right now about who and what and where and WHY she had a cool fifty thou in her home, just know that it’s gone now.
And there are many suspects! So I shall don my familiar hat of internet detective and attempt to crack the case! Apparently Kourtney thinks it’s an inside job — makes sense since both homes were hit in such a small window of time — but doesn’t think Lamar Odom is behind it, because he’s out of the country and has an airtight alibi. That only leaves a few people close enough to both sisters that they’d have access to both homes, so let’s start narrowing this down!
Khloe is apparently getting lie detector tests and fingerprints from any potential thieves, so while she waits for those results to come back, we’ll sift through this compelling list of suspects that I created all on my very own. GUMPTION!
1. Rob Kardashian
He’s been exiled to Florida while he loses the mom-mandated weight before Kim‘s wedding, his sock venture was pretty much a bust, and he’s proven he’ll do pretty much anything for his mom’s attention. Show us your hands, Robert!
2. Penelope Disick
I’m honestly really Penelope’s the culprit, and that she spirited all this money away to go and make a life for herself that’s free of the Kardashian Empire. Dare to dream.
3. Kris Humphries
I mean, he never got the payout over his marriage to Kim that he was hoping for on the basis of fraud, and he always did have some trouble telling the sisters apart, on account of being a foot and a half taller than them and much too proud to wear glasses. If it is him, it’s possible that he thought he was stealing from Kim.
4. Scott Disick
Maybe nobody ever told Scott it’s not okay to get your allowance right out of Kourtney’s wallet? Even if she forgets to give it to you.
5. Kris Jenner
At some point, you’ve gotta imagine that Kris would get tired of her kids leaving their valuables lying around. Perhaps she took a page out of Arrested Development‘s book and made it A Lesson.
6. Kanye West
In his defense, Kanye uses money as toilet paper, and he couldn’t find any in the house. Please don’t ask what he uses jewelry for, because you don’t want to know.
7. Bruce Jenner
He came over to pick up Kendall for a visit and accidentally picked up a pile of money decorated with jewelry instead. An easy mistake to make, considering how decked out that kid can be sometimes.
8. North West
In this household, money equals love, and North doesn’t know how to get that love any other way in these formative years before she’s able to fully join her mom in selfies.
9. Kylie Jenner
Honestly she’s just trying to get someone in this family to pay attention to her at this point.
10. Ryan Seacrest
Hey, rent was due, and his best tenants hadn’t paid! So maybe he came a’collecting!