I know everyone in the world is in love with Lupita Nyong’o. That’s just a given. But all these rumors about her also being in love with everyone in return are really starting to get out of hand. First she was linked to Jared Leto, and we got way too much enjoyment out of imagining their beautiful babies. But then the rumor mill was like, “Nope, that doesn’t work for me. Jared, you’re dating Miley Cyrus now.” So Lupita went on Ellen and was like, “Hey, why’d Miley steal my man, and also why didn’t I even know he was my man?” And now she’s supposedly moved on from Jared and started a love affair with her 12 Years a Slave co-star Michael Fassbender.
According to The Sun‘s source, Lupita and Michael have “an incredible connection.” Can’t you see it in that selfie up there? Why else do you think they decided to star in and promote a movie together if not to become lovers?
“In September during the Toronto Film Festival they had a brief romance. Now Michael is intent on showing how he wants to get serious again and made a point of bringing his mum Adele to the Oscars rather than a date.”
That’s right, my friends. Bringing your mom to the Oscars is no longer just a cute move that makes Giuliana Rancic flirt with you on the red carpet. It’s now definitive proof that you are secretly dating your co-star and want to give her a sign that you’re ready to be serious. Haven’t you read your celebrity instruction manual lately? Side note: Michael’s mom’s middle name wouldn’t happen to be Dazeem, would it?
The source continues his/her/its dramatic account of the pair’s romance by admitting that the road ahead will be difficult. Despite what you may think, the difficulty does not arise from the probability that they are, in fact, not an actual couple:
“Lupita’s the most in-demand woman in the world at the moment so it will be hard to make it work but their chemistry is undeniable.”
Lupita better get a move on if she wants to date everyone nominated for an Academy Award this year. It’s like EGOTing, but with romance. Perhaps she can schedule a trip to the movies with June Squibb or a lunch with Jonah Hill. These rumors won’t write themselves, Lupita. Except yes, yes they will.