Everything I Know About Spring Break, I Learned From The Movies

Gilmore Girls Paris Rory college memory

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It’s that time of year again when students get a week off from school. There are two things you can call this particular vacation, depending on what you’re into: Spring Break or SPRING BREAK!!!!! The first one involves going to Disney World with your parents or having a “staycation.” For me, it was always just Spring Break. I was a rule-follower. A goody-two-shoes. A square. Staying up late to watch a movie was more than enough fun for me (and still is).

Since I never participated in it, everything I know about SPRING BREAK!!!!! I know from pop culture, especially movies. I’ve absorbed enough totally accurate and not at all clichéd information about this rite of passage that I can perfectly sum up the Spring Break experience in one post. It really is amazing what movies can teach you.

1. Straight girls become lesbians for one week a year.

Spring Breakers kiss(via)

You might think you’re only interested in kissing members of the male sex, but that all changes once you put on a bikini and drink out of a red Solo cup. Suddenly all these ladies’ lips look so kissable. Katy Perry was really onto something with that song.

2. Sometimes everyone just breaks into an impromptu choreographed dance number.

From Justin to Kelly gif(via)

Don’t ask me how everyone at the beach party knows to shimmy to the left and then do the running man, in that order, when there was no planning beforehand. They just know, okay? There’s something in the water that puts people in sync.

3. You won’t remember what you did last night. At all. None of it.

Spring Breakdown Rachel Dratch(via)

To make matters worse, whatever you did do was probably really bad. And preferably absolutely hilarious. Choices include sleeping with somebody you’re not supposed to sleep with (hopefully someone unattractive), getting a really stupid tattoo, and calling someone you vowed you’d never call. But once you head home none of it will matter and things will just go back to normal.

4. There’s usually a killer sea creature attack.

Piranha 3d(via)

It’s just a given that at least ten people at any Spring Break vacation destination will die in a freak shark and/or piranha attack. It will usually happen at the exact moment everyone is having the most fun. It sucks, but it’s just part of the experience. Deal with it.

5. Every single person there is super duper hot.

Spring Breakers bikinis(via)

Everyone you meet on Spring Break will wear their bathing suit 24/7, and they’ll look fantastic in it. No extra hair or lumpy parts or wrinkles. Just young hot people with rock hard abs and perfectly tanned skin. Literally every person you look at is exactly the kind of person you’d want to look at in a swimsuit.

6. It’s the best way for lame people to feel cool.

Spring Breakdown Amy Poehler(via)

Are you a nerd and/or a middle-aged person? Are you worried that by pursuing good grades or acting like a mature adult you’re missing out on vital life experiences that you’ll regret not having when you’re old? Then hop on a plane and get wasted on the beach. That should change your life and make you feel fulfilled.

7. Everything will be filmed for a TV show.

Shes All That(via)

MTV will obviously be where you are. Just like Santa Claus shows up at every mall ever during Christmas, MTV shows up to every beach during Spring Break. You’ll mingle with former Real World cast members, and if you’re lucky the director will ask to spotlight you while you dance in your bikini. If MTV doesn’t want you, there’s always Girls Gone Wild

8. Good girls have no choice but to go bad.

Spring Breakers Selena Gomez(via)

You might think you’re just going to lounge by the pool and read books all week without getting into any trouble. Then your BFF will beg you to go to a crazy party with her and you’ll agree as long as you can leave after an hour. Eight hours later, you’re passed out drunk after making out with a stranger. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

9. Your daughter will go missing.

Lifetime movie Gone Missing 2013(via)

You didn’t expect me to watch Spring Break Lifetime movies and not learn a few things, did you? Obviously if you’re an overprotective mother on vacation with your rebellious daughter, she will go missing. If you don’t have a daughter, you’ll probably be put in charge of watching someone else’s daughter, and she’ll go missing too. Let’s hope the piranhas don’t get her.

10. Elvis will probably be there.

Elvis Girl Happy poster(via)

Look, I told you I was a square. The “Spring Break movie” category also happens to include ’60s beach movies. So I can only assume every beach party has at least one Elvis impersonator playing guitar in skimpy swim trunks. Please just humor me and say this is true.

You can reach this post's author, Jill O’Rourke, on twitter.
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    • Alexis Rhiannon

      As someone who made a brief SPRING BREAK!!!! foray to Daytona Beach one year, there should be a lot more ‘barefoot’, ‘sunburned’, and ‘waffle house’ on this list.

    • auntiea

      I went on the beach spring break trip exactly one time. I was 18 and a senior in high school. i went with my best friend, her mom, and her mom’s friend to an 18+ resort in Rivera Maya. We got to drink as much as we wanted, but were also the youngest people there by at least 15 years.

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