If I were ever to go to a fancy celebrity event like the Oscars, Anna Kendrick is very high on the list of people I would want as my date. Up until now, I’ve had to just imagine what it would be like to hang out with Anna K at the Academy Awards. But now, thanks to Vogue, I have a much clearer idea of what it would actually be like. And let me tell you, it sounds magical.
The magazine had Anna document her fancy schmancy Hollywood experience over Oscars weekend, from the pre-awards parties to the Independent Spirit Awards to the Oscars themselves to pigging out after the ceremony. I suggest you read the entire thing, because it’s the kind of magical reading experience LeVar Burton told you about as a kid but you never really believed existed. Plus, there are cute pictures in between the words so you won’t get bored. But if you want to prepare yourself by reading my personal favorite quotes, you’ll find them right here. Warning: You will finish this post even more jealous of Aubrey Plaza than you already are.
1. On feeding Aubrey before the Giorgio Armani party:
The thing about these events is that most of them just serve booze and slivers of vegetables on rice crackers, so you basically need to be unceremoniously stuffing your face with calories every chance you get, unless you want to pass out on top of screen legend Bruce Dern. Aubrey hasn’t figured this out yet, so I bring two Luna bars out to our Uber. The glamour never stops.
If there’s one thing I do not want to eat at a party, it’s vegetables on rice crackers. Yikes, at least ad some cheese or something. So lucky for me, if I had Anna as my date I’d never go hungry again! Tell me more secrets, oh wise and powerful Kendrick.
2. On staying comfy while party-hopping:
We run back to my house so I can change for the Art Of Elysium event, and since I own enough hoodies, sweatpants, and slippers to clothe a small army, we take advantage of our 20-minute window and throw all of these things on under and over our dresses. It’s a magical moment of relief.
This is such a post-prom slumber party move, and I’m obsessed with it. Hoodies, sweatpants and slippers are the reason I keep going every day. Unfortunately I’d probably never make it to the next party because I’d be paralyzed by coziness.
3. On presenting an award to Jared Leto at the Spirit Awards:
When he gets up on stage, the list in his hand is so long I wonder why I let myself be talked into the more painful shoes. However, his speech quickly transitions from a list of agents and lawyers to Pink Floyd, Wayne Gretzky, and all the women he’s ever slept with. His speech is funny and his hair smells like a damn meadow. What a dream.
Anna Kendrick knows to report on the really important stuff, namely what Jared Leto’s hair smells like. Too bad she couldn’t do a fang-check and find out if he’s really an ageless vampire.
4. On her tiny clutch:
I decide to just leave my Invisalign at home today instead of popping it in and out of its case, because I’m classy (and also because even though my clutch is kick-ass, it could really only fit a stick of gum).
I love that Anna just drops the fact that she wears Invisalign in there totally unapologetically. Sometimes people need to invisibly straighten their teeth, and unfortunately those devices don’t always fit in your fancy Oscar clutches. Totes norms.
5. On Adele Dazeem:
The moment when John Travolta calls Idina Menzel “Adele Dazeem” is odd, because without the aid of a DVR for immediate playback, I honestly think each person in the audience assumes they’ve had a tiny neurological episode, since there’s NO POSSIBLE WAY THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED. It’s not until I look at Twitter in the car home that I believe I didn’t imagine it.
Anyone who brings up Adele Dazeem is my hero these days, because it’s officially my new favorite thing that’s ever happened. The only downside of being at the Oscars with Anna and not watching them on the couch with her is you couldn’t rewind and replay that moment while howling with laughter.
6. On Jennifer Lawrence:
I run home to switch dresses for the Vanity Fair party because I’m the luckiest chick alive (I mean, except for Jennifer Lawrence, with whom every man, woman, and child would trade places in a heartbeat. That hair! Those boobs! The Christian Dior contract! #workbitch).
When girl crush worlds collide. Extra points for the use of a hashtag outside of Twitter. It really adds pizzazz to any thought.
7. On the morning after:
My feet are still on fire, but I’m already excited for morning carbs. I guess they only seem like the enemy when you’re in a corset, so, until next year, bring on the pancakes and sweatpants.
Can I please just spend the rest of my life forever eating pancakes and wearing sweatpants with Anna Kendrick?