I know we’re all in the midst of Oscars hoopla right now, agonizing along with Ryan Seacrest over the flooded state of the red carpet and his hopes and dreams and whatnot. But last night, plenty of celebrities and Oscar nominees showed up for the Independent Spirit Awards to circle jerk each other a little before the big awards show. It’s a known tension reliever, okay?? Anyway, Patton Oswalt was this year’s host and he delivered quite a, uh… monologue. *clears throat*
I don’t know how to put this, but every second of the twelve minute opening schpiel was painful. How painful? Well, let’s just say I’d rather have my fingernails scraped thrice than watch it again. Which was disappointing for me, because I happen to adore Patton Oswalt. He’s incredibly intelligent, funny, and one of my favorite people to follow on Twitter, if for nothing else but his live-tweeting of Downton Abbey. But his monologue last night did not have me laughing. Not even a chortle, you guys. And by the looks of everyone in the room, I’m not the only one who wasn’t a fan.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m usually of the school of “they’re the most priveleged people on Earth, so if they can’t laugh at themselves they should go fuck themselves.” (Also known as The Ricky Gervais School of Insulting Celebrities With British Humour.) But Oswalt’s monologue wasn’t funny. It was more of a stand-up routine, and practically every last thing he said was tired and overdone. So overdone, in fact, that I feel like I’ve personally been beaten over the head with Michael Fassbender‘s cock (see what I did there?). Without further ado, the 5 best/worst reaction shots of the evening:
1. Bruce Dern’s Middle Finger
“You’re old Bruce, is what I’m saying.” Yeah, we get it, Patton. And normally I roll my eyes at Hollywood icons who are sensitive about aging. If you’re going to poke fun, at least make the delivery funny.
2. Julie Delpy Is Not Impressed
“Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy have made the same movie three years in a row, and no one gives them any crap.” Not the best excuse for using a tired joke everyone in the room has heard 100 times before. New meme: “Julie Delpy Not Amused” on Tumblr. If it doesn’t exist yet, it should.
3. Brad And Angelina Can’t Even Muster A Fake Smile
“Hahaha you guys are sleeping together hahahahahLOLOLhahahaha.” Really? REALLY. Who wrote this monologue???!!
4. Michael Fassbender Is Sick Of Hearing About His Peen
Yep, it’s big. But even big penises don’t get you Oscar nominations. Let’s move on, shall we? He’s finally nominated, and I’m pretty sure his genitals didn’t make even one solitary appearance in 12 Years A Slave.
5. Will Forte Is The Only One Playing Along Out Of Pity
Thanks for easing the tension, Will. A+ for effort.
6. Bruce Dern Has Had Enough, Takes Out His Hearing Aid
“Bruce Dern, you’re old. You’re old is what I’m saying. C’mon, you’re the icon in the room, Bruce. I’m gonna be on you all night.” Yes, yes. You’ve had an amazing career and you delivered one of the best performances this year, which also happens to be the most overlooked performance this year. I’d take my hearing aid out too. Screw that noise.
If you’re into torture, here’s the entire monologue. Enjoy.