Hey. Buddy. You got so distracted by your hilarious live-tweeting of the red carpet that you completely missed the opening of the Oscars!
Don’t misunderstand me at all, I get it. I’m not judging you. This is 2014 after all, and if you’re anything like me, you’re swaddled in blankets on the couch right now surrounded by a vast array of electronics and carb-based snacks. It’s perfectly natural that in your frenzy of tweeting, Instagramming, Vining, and Tumbling, that you could have missed some crucial elements of the show.
My only concern at this point is that you’re really gonna hurt Ellen DeGeneres‘ feelings if she finds out she did all that work and you didn’t even watch it! After all, she was so nervous and invested in this monologue that she didn’t even show her own wife, Portia de Rossi. She’s seeing it for the first time tonight, JUST LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO. But you missed it. And I can’t believe it. Ellen will be just devastated.
UNLESS! You watch it right now, and no one ever has to know the difference! I just so happened to find the video of it, so you can just quick-sharp squeeze it in during a commercial break, and no one will ever be the wiser!
See, wasn’t that worth it? Don’t you feel better now that you know for certain that Ellen completely killed it? I mean we always knew she was going to, but it’s such a relief to have confirmation. We also know that Liza Minelli doesn’t like to be referred to as a male Liza Minelli-impersonator, that if 12 Years A Slave doesn’t win Best Picture, Ellen thinks we’re all racists, and that Jonah Hill showed us something in The Wolf Of Wall Street that she hasn’t seen in a…very long time. Get it? Do you get it? I hope you get it.
Just do me a favor and keep up from now on, because there’s no way I’m gonna be able to get you the footage every time Jennifer Lawrence falls down tonight, okay? You gotta start pulling your own weight.