Many things go through a person’s head when they discover that a movie they’ve seen has a sequel. Such things include, “that’s fantastic,” “that is not fantastic,” and “what the actual hell?” And I think that we should all take a moment to bond over the shared experience of that last one. You know, when you’re just scrolling through Netflix and stumble upon the weirdest movie sequel ever. Well it turns out that Netflix is where the movie sequels all go to die and there are plenty there, just being ignored all day long. But we will scroll past them no more. Justice for all extremely strange movie sequels, or no justice at all.
I should mention that I’m pretty lukewarm on the idea of movie sequels in general, so I get a special joy from really bad ones. You might be inclined say that I like to see them fail as an example to all other aspiring movie sequels. But I would say that isn’t nearly sinister enough. But between my maniacal laughter is genuine confusion because movies can get weird but sequels will always get weirder. And here are 11 fantastic examples of just that.
1. Titanic II
Netflix’s Synopsis: “Titanic irony looms when the new luxury cruise liner Titanic 2, setting sail a century after the sinking of its ill-starred namesake, seems destined to come to a similarly soggy end when an ocean tsunami pushes an iceberg into its path.”
Yes or yes: this synopsis sounds like it could be a part of whatever the hell Sharknado is doing. Remember, yes is your only option!
2. Gang of Roses II: Next Generation
Netflix’s Synopsis: ”In this sexy Western, four outlaw women team up for a large-scale heist in the Mexican town of San Juevo, but they don’t realize they are being followed by a posse of bandits who plan on ambushing them before they can make their big score.”
Just so no one is mistaken, this movie stars Amber Rose, wife to Wiz Khalifa. Aside from the fact that I legitimately never knew that she was an actress, what the heck is a “sexy Western” and how do I make sure no more ever get made?
3. The Toxic Avenger: Part III
Netflix’s Synopsis: “Your favorite superhero from New Jersey is back! After taking on Tokyo in Part 2, Toxie — once a weakling who gained superhuman powers after falling into a vat of toxic waste — finds he’s rooted out all evil and has nothing left to do.”
I’ve never seen parts 1 and 2 of The Toxic Avenger, but I would just like to point out that the movie’s plot is letting you know that he runs out of stuff to do. There is no more story let, and yet someone insisted on telling it in movie form anyway.
4. Honey II
Netflix’s Synopsis: “This sequel centers on teen Maria Ramirez, who’s determined to prove herself as a street dancer after a scrape with the law. Fresh out of juvie, she heads to the Bronx rec center where she was introduced to the moves of her idol, Honey Daniels.”
My biggest point of confusion is the fact that it’s called Honey II but the character of Honey is nowhere in the movie at all. It is actually a different movie entirely so what gives, Movie Naming Gods?
5. The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence
Netflix’s Synopsis: ”A disturbed loner is so obsessed with the shocking horror film The Human Centipede that he decides to replicate the movie’s grisly experiment. In this metasequel, the stakes are raised as 12 unlucky souls endure surgical hell.”
NO MORE HUMAN CENTIPEDE BYE.
6. Like Mike II: Streetball
Netflix’s Synopsis: ”In this fast-paced sequel, basketball wannabe Jerome Jenkens Jr. is too young, too slow and too short, but when he dons a pair of Michael Jordan’s old sneakers, he elevates his game to new heights. Suddenly, Triple J is a rising streetball superstar.”
This movie also got afflicted with a nasty case of The Sequel Has Nothing To Do With The Movie. Is this a pattern that I’m noticing?
7. Mean Girls II
Netflix’s Synopsis: ”The father of a high school pariah offers to pay new-girl Jo’s way through college if she makes friends with his outcast daughter, Abby. The girls truly become friends, but their relationship is jeopardized when Abby learns about her dad’s bribe.”
Yes, it is a pattern. Also, watching this movie is truly a surreal experience. If I recall correctly, I watched it from beginning to end (I hated myself the entire time) with my mouth wide open in complete awe. For reference, “How dare they take a giant poop on Mean Girls” is the kind of thought that kept crossing my mind.
8. The Hills Have Eyes II (1984)
Netflix’s Synopsis: ”Years after a massacre that pitted a suburban family against a band of cave dwellers, traumatized survivors return to the wild on an expedition. When their bus breaks down, the travelers must fight off the hungry savages.”
Hey gang, remember that deadly massacre that we were involved in a few years back near that cave? Let’s go back, it’ll be a riotous adventure for the ages!
9. Mimic II: Hardshell
Netflix’s Synopsis: ”Trapped inside a school, Remi Panos and two of her students must find a way out of the building before giant cockroaches snuff them out. Unfortunately, the creatures can now mimic humans, making them an even more formidable foe.”
Two words, giant cockroaches. One conclusion, no thanks.
10. George of the Jungle II
Netflix’s Synopsis: ”Having married the beautiful Ursula and fathered a child, clumsy ape-man George is perfectly content. But soon, all is not well in George’s jungle kingdom as Really Mean Lion challenges him for the throne and his mother-in-law schemes against him.”
The movie’s trailer doesn’t even do its weirdness justice. To get a real feel for it, you need to watch a few minutes of it and ponder where it all went wrong for our poor jungle friend, George.
12. The Fly II
Netflix’s Synopsis: ”Raised in the confines of a laboratory at the enigmatic Bartok Industries, young Martin Brundle discovers that he’s inherited insect genes from his father, Seth Brundle, the scientist who first morphed into The Fly years before. Worse, Martin realizes that powerful CEO Anton Bartok has nefarious plans for him, and now, Martin must use his fly powers to stop the madman’s schemes.”
What even are fly powers, huh? Being able to buzz the loudest? Tell me, please.