As if being a muggle isn’t embarrassing enough, there are people in this world who go around broadcasting it. My relationship to being a muggle is strange and complicated. I spent ages eight through twelve wishing I was Harry Potter‘s cool sidekick and ages twelve through twenty-two also wishing I was Harry Potter’s cool sidekick. Surely, J.K. Rowling would write me into the story if she knew me!
As a kid, I filled up entire notebooks with fake Daily Prophet articles. (I mostly reported on my new baby sister. A boring subject to say the least.) I wrote fake ads for wand stores (Twenty percent off all wands this Saturday only!), fake fashion pieces covering the new trends in wizarding robes (This season it’s all about draping!) and fake comic strips proving my sense of humor arrived very late in life. I wrote so many fake articles on this fantasy world I desperately wanted to be a part of, that I almost forgot it was a fantasy world at all.
On my eleventh birthday my parents played a cruel prank, which will they will describe as a “sign of love,” when they slipped a wax-sealed envelope, stuffed with an “acceptance” letter to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in my mailbox. I opened the letter slowly, thinking, “Well of course this is true. I always knew I couldn’t possibly be a muggle. Not I! Perhaps I’ll join the student newspaper when I get to school.”Â Imagine the range of emotionsÂ when I realized this couldn’t possibly be real and I’ll never be a student.
As I deal with this obvious childhood trauma, you can check out this video in which a series of muggles who have neither seen nor read Harry Potter, hilariously retell the story.