The Oscars are on Sunday, so I’m finally starting to accept that our invitations didn’t just get lost in the mail. Obviously we were expecting to be in the audience, so we turned down a ton of swanky invitations, so now we have to scramble and find plans at the last minute.
I have no doubt that you can rustle up a top-shelf viewing party, but how to jazz it up now that we won’t have Jennifer Lawrence to gossip with and obsess over the ingredients in the various dips? Why with drinking, of course! That way even if all your friends bail on the party and Lupita Nyong’o refuses to text you back about where she got her gorgeous gown, you can still have a party of one all by your lonesome!
But I mean, definitely invite some people over, because this game is way better with more people. Bonus points if one of them is Emma Thompson, because A. she was snubbed at the Oscars just like the rest of us, and B. she seems like she knows her way around a martini. In the best way possible.
So you know the drill, guys — just keep your eyes on the screen and any time you see one of the following things happen, follow the corresponding instructions.
And of course, don’t forget to pour some out for our gals Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, and always drink responsibly.
CRUSHABLE’S OFFICIAL OSCARS 2014 DRINKING GAME
- Take one drink every time Ellen DeGeneres dances.
- Take one drink every time someone gives a speech in another language.
- If you know the word ‘thank you’ in the speech they’re giving, you can make one other person take an additional drink.
- Take five drinks if anyone other than Ellen changes their outfit halfway through the ceremony.
- Take one drink every time a word is bleeped out.
- Finish your drink if a bad word slips by the censors and makes it to air.
- If two women wearing a similar dress appear in a shot together, trade drinks with the person to your left.
- Take three drinks if anyone reappears onstage to thank someone they forgot in their initial acceptance speech.
- 12 Years A Slave – take one drink anytime a joke is made about the names Chiwetel Ejiofor and Lupita Nyong’o being difficult to pronounce.
- American Hustle – take one drink anytime the camera pans to Jennifer Lawrence for no reason.
- Captain Phillips – whenever the phrase ‘Captain Phillips’ is said, the last person to say ‘I am the captain now’ must take a drink.
- Dallas Buyers Club — take one drink anytime a joke about losing weight for a role is made.
- Gravity – take two drinks any time you are ‘off structure’ (read: not on the couch or wherever your viewing location may be) when the show comes back from commercial.
- Her – if you own an iPhone, give Siri a task when the movie is announced. If she misunderstands, take one drink. If she doesn’t, give your phone a kiss.
- Nebraska – whoever was born closest to the state of Nebraska has ‘won the lottery’ and has to say ‘DING DING DING’ every time an Oscar is awarded throughout the night. Anytime they fail, they must drink.
- Philomena – whenever this film is referenced, it triggers ‘Philomania’. Get up and dance like an idiot, or else be penalized by taking a drink.
- The Wolf Of Wall Street – anytime you see Leonardo DiCaprio onscreen, work an f-bomb into your next sentence. If you fail at that, defraud thousands of investors. (Or just take a drink, if this proves impossible.
When it’s over, put yourself to bed with four glasses of water, six aspirin, and a bedpan. I promise you’ll need all three.