Let’s play a game. I tell you that John Mayer and Katy Perry broke up, and you have to guess who pulled the — okay, you’re already shouting John Mayer. You’re just screaming his name into my open mouth, because that’s the only way any of us thought this could end. But you’re wrong you’re wrong you’re so wrong, and I’m just as blindsided as you.
They did in fact break up, but against all odds, a source ‘close to the pair’ is telling E! News that it was instigated by Katy. They didn’t give a reason, so I can’t really help you out with that, but I’m thinking we should probably send someone down to Hell just to make sure everyone’s doing okay with the freeze, and bovine-proof the skies now that pigs are very likely flying. Sorry to give you tasks, I just feel like we should all try to keep busy right now. It’s the only way to keep our minds off it.
Although it hasn’t been officially confirmed by anyone yet, the source says it happened in the last few days, and points out as proof that John and Katy didn’t travel together on her recent trip to London and Milan. She came home to Los Angeles on Friday, but John was nowhere to be seen. In retrospect, it’s something we definitely should have noticed, given that in the past, if Katy has stood still for long enough, it’s usually because she’s busy giving an interview about how much she’d like to make out with John’s brain. Very unlike either of them to miss an opportunity to turn my stomach with romance with lines like:
“I’ve been a fan of John’s for years before I got to actually kiss him. I’ve been such a fan, I think he’s so incredibly talented and gifted and a genius songwriter. So to be a part of anything he was doing was just natural.”
BLECH BLECH BLECH.
But as we all recall, this whole breaking up thing has happened several times before (in and again in March 2013), and they’ve always gotten back together, so don’t make any plans or anything. I’m sure this will all be blown over soon, and we’ll all be dining on cloud-bacon in no time.
(Photo: Larry Busacca / Getty Images Entertainment)