• Wed, Feb 26 - 12:36 pm ET

Crushable’s Oscars Cheatsheet For All The Nominated Movies

2014 Oscars poster Ellen DeGeneres

The 2014 Academy Awards are now just mere days away. And as someone’s who seen almost every single movie nominated (give or take a sound mixing nominee or two), I couldn’t be more excited to see it all go down on Sunday night. While I don’t want to get too ahead of myself, I am predicting big things for Grown Ups 2. BIG THINGS! I would never tell an actor to prep an acceptance speech early lest he jinxes himself, but Adam Sandler might as well go ahead and do it.

Slash not! That movie is hands down one of the worst movies of the year. And if you’d devoted the past six months to watching movies like me, you would’ve know that. But unlike me, you probably have a life and you probably chose not to spend that life sitting in a dark room with strangers for multiple hours on end. So I’m going to do you a solid and get you all caught up on everything you missed in the world of movies so you don’t embarrass yourself at your Oscars watching party this weekend. Okay, okay, I lied, we don’t have nearly enough time to go through everything. But we can go through all the nominated movies, what you need to know about them and what you can say about them to trick people into thinking you watched.

1. AMERICAN HUSTLE

What it’s about:

Jennifer Lawrence plays Jennifer Lawrence in a movie about Bradley Cooper having a perm. Amy Adams’ boobs steal the show though with their coy performance as the body parts that you keep thinking you’re going to see, but somehow never do. No seriously, how did they stay put?

What you should say:

“Christian Bale’s hair piece better be giving that acceptance speech when this movie wins.”

2. CAPTAIN PHILLIPS

What it’s about:

Tom Hanks stars as Captain Phillips in a true story about pirates in the deep sea! It’s just like Pirates of the Caribbean, give or take a heart pounding ending where you’re gripping the sides of your seat and trying to come to terms with the fact that this really happened to real people.

What you should say:

“That final scene. Wow. Just wow. Holy shit, that final scene. Fuck.”

3. DALLAS BUYER’S CLUB

What it’s about:

Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto lose a lot of weight. Like all their weight. But it’s worth it to tell this true story about a man who overcomes a crazy case of homophobia while trying to find a cure for aids. Jennifer Garner pops in to play a doctor in a role that critics call “not memorable.”

What you should say:

“I read on HollywoodScience.gov that Matthew McConaughey lost an entire Anne Hathaway to play Ron Woodroof.”

4. GRAVITY

What it’s about:

Having a heart attack in a movie theater. And then following up that heart attack with shaky legs and quivering arms. Also did I go to space? Hello Sandra Bullock, I’m talking to you! Did I go to space with you that time? Or was it just you?

What you should say:

“This one’s not based on a true story, right?”

5. HER

What it’s about:

Joaquin Phoenix dates his phone. But then his phone dumps him for another phone. Actually several other phones. Picture Tiger Woods trapped inside a cell phone. Now picture him with the voice of ScarJo. Okay, there’s the movie.

What you should say:

“How soon until this kind of technology is real. I’m asking for a friend.”

6. NEBRASKA

What it’s about:

Just a fun family film that reminds you to do whatever it takes to make sure that your parents never get old. Like seriously, DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. I say fun because Will Forte’s in it and he’s a fun guy! At least, he used to be.

What you should say:

“I hate to be a film snob, but Bruce Dern should win Best Actor. Just a shame no one saw it. But please, remind me again how many times you’ve seen Frozen.

7. PHILOMENA

What it’s about:

Judi Dench rips out your heart and soul as she takes you on an unforgettable adoption journey. And then right when you’re almost of tears, she tucks your heart and soul right back where it belongs. Steve Coogan also stars.

What you should say:

“My grandmother loved this movie!”

8. 12 YEARS A SLAVE

What it’s about:

A fun story that reminds us that human beings are the most despicable creatures on the planet. Stars Chiwetel Ejiofor and Lupita Nyong’o in roles that will literally break your heart.

What you should say:

“Isn’t it cool that Brad Pitt cast himself as the ONE nice white guy in the entire movie?”

9. THE WOLF OF WALL STREET

What it’s about:

Remember that time Leonardo DiCaprio played a poor kid who gets rich under unbelievable circumstances (See: Growing PainsTitanic, Catch Me if You Can, The Great Gatsby)? Well, it happened again! Just with more prostitutes and cocaine this time!

What you should say:

“I wish this movie could’ve been even longer than it was. Was three hours really enough time to tell this story? Could we have squeezed in a little more Jonah Hill peen?”

Share This Post:
  • Crusty Socks

    So this really is the Superbowl for chicks and dudes of the rainbow?