• Mon, Feb 24 - 11:47 am ET

The Only Thing More Offensive Than Taylor Swift And Lorde Wearing Matching Outfits Is The Fact They’re Friends

You know that thing where you know you’re overreacting, but you’re into way too deep to back out? That thing is Taylor Swift for me. Even though she’s never done anything personally to me, I take everything she does extremely personally. In fact, I’d rank her up there with the girl in 8th grade who told me I had a unibrow and a lisp as people get talked about the most in my therapy sessions. I’m telling you all this not because it’s news, but because it will explain to you why I’m about to discuss her friendship with Lorde like it’s a sign that end times are near.

So with all that in mind, you should know that Taylor Swift and Lorde’s budding friendship’s killing me. Just completely destroying my soul. Even my Horcruxes are shaken. Including the one that’s hidden inside Alec Baldwin’s brain (sandwiched right between his ego and his other ego). Even though I know Lorde said she didn’t mean that whole “Taylor Swift is bad role model for girls” thing, I wanted her to mean it. Mostly because it’s something that I strongly think and the thought of Lorde and I thinking the same thing at the same time really increased the odds that we can switch bodies Freaky-Friday style. But also because it was so refreshing to hear someone famous call her out on her anti-feminist-woe-is-me schtick.

But alas, they both moved beyond their five minute feud and went full steam ahead into a best friendship. Because scientifically speaking, Taylor Swift can only handle two kids of people in her life: mortal enemies and best friends forever. And that best friendship explains why the two ended up going spending the weekend together wearing matching outfits — on their shopping spree and on their beach trip. Sure they’re outfits aren’t totally matching. But we all know that Taylor Swift’s the clean ‘n preppy Ashley Olsen and that Lorde’s the rough ‘n tumble Mary-Kate Olsen. And that Hailee Steinfeld just got demoted to the Elizabeth Olsen of the group. Sorry girl, Taylor Swift only has room for one underage BFF at a time.

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  • RFK64

    There’s a reasonably straightforward solution to all your woes : Get A Life!

    • Jenni

      They were all sold out at Amazon.com, Target.com, Whitehouse.gov, TLC.Com/MyFiveWives and Overstock.com. So if you know where to look next, just lemme kno.

    • RFK64
    • Jenni

      So many words! Can I get the tweet version? Like 140 character or less, you know?

    • RFK64

      This is the simplest I could come up with, each sentence is 140 character or less :

      1. View extreme jealousy as an enemy to be defeated, not a normal part of life.
      2. Try to look at objective realities, rather than presumptions or suppositions
      3. This is not an overnight process. Don’t be discouraged if you are unable to overcome jealousy immediately.
      4. Overcoming your own insecurities is probably the most difficult part of this process.
      Good luck!

    • Jenni

      I’m intrigued. Is there a link to the source material where you got these 4 points?

    • RFK64
    • Jenni

      So many words! Can I get the tweet version? Like 140 character or less, you know?

    • RFK64

      Just concentrate on one sentence at a time. Take your time. Don’t try to rush. And, you’ll be alright :)

    • Alison

      …Do you understand the concept of entertainment blogging?

    • RFK64

      You mean the writing of derogatory and/or false articles on a particular person or subject for the purpose of entertainment?

    • Alison

      It’s blogging, not straight-up journalism.

    • RFK64

      Fair enough. I doubt everyone is aware of the distinction though…

    • Camilla

      …like you?

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Have you been reading our mission statement?

    • RFK64

      My goodness! You have such a thing? Where is it?

    • Jenni

      Oh right here! It’s a work in progress, let us know your thoughts. http://bit.ly/1c2gVeH

    • RFK64

      That’s an impressive & promising start! I literally can’t wait to see the finished product. It will be memorable, no doubt…
      I can only hope that it will do you justice….

  • Alison

    What I want to understand is why a 24-year-old wants to be friends with a 16-year-old. I’m 26 and I have no desire to spend time with teenagers in a social setting.

    Also, hat tip to my friend for coining this friendship “Lorde and Taylor.”

    • Jenni

      Ugh, why didn’t I think of Lorde and Taylor

  • gayle

    why are her “BFFs” always teenagers?

    • Jenni

      Because everyone her age can see right through her act.

    • avalon

      Just some of Taylors good friends “BFFs”…Lena Dunham (27)…Jessica Szohr (28)…Sarah Hyland (23)… Diana Agron (27)…-Emma Stone (25)…Lili Aldridge (28)…oh wow they are all 20 something. So to answer your question?… NO…her “BFFs” are not all teenagers.

  • Camilla

    Regardless of Taylor’s, er, penchant for exploiting the victim card, she seems like an… okay person and I can see how Lorde – still a teenager – will be roped into her, er, charms.

    But OMG all I can see is their matching outfits. O_O

  • Cthulhu

    Taylor Swift is like a gym trainer in Pokémon. I can imagine her, with her Pokéball, scouting far and wide for her new Poké- BFF, and then captur- befriending them and training them to figh- to match outfits.

    I would seriously rob a bank just to pay Taylor millions of dollars to sing the Pokémon theme song.

    • FemelleChevalier

      I’ll throw in a few millions – that may or may not from my personal drug money – just so she could cosplay as Misty.

  • William

    You know, I’m disappointed in crushable. You guys always had legit points for..er let’s say passive aggressive snarky digs, but this article just pushed you mannerless, incoherent and painfully, gloriously stupid losers with no life and Alexis with her failed theatre aspirations and jenni with her drag queen face to biggest idiots of loserville.

    • William

      Oh, and also, Alexis looks like she has a very dark and specific fetish of rubbing her mucous or shit over and over and then tasting it to feel gratification. Or maybe she makes jenni taste it, since I’ve heard pigs are into that kind of shit…

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      These are all great points, but how do pigs rub anything given that they have such ungainly hooves?

    • Jenni

      In our defense, we are one of the most read publications in Loserville — second only to DragQueenFace.Net and FailTheaterAspirations.Org/WilliamMarryMe

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I AM A FAILURE.

  • Chee cheong

    Yet another attempt to troll with Taylor’s fans…

    I bet articles about Taylor’s on this site receive the least clicks !

    • Jenni

      We’re at 16 clicks and counting. If it hits 20, I get paid this month. #FingersCrossed.