Can someone please build me a time machine ASAP so I can go back to my first grade class and say I want to be Lupita Nyong’o when I grow up instead of a figure skater or a horse whisperer or whatever I said? I know there’s very little chance for it to come true, but you never know. I might alter the space time continuum and wake up with half the impeccable style and amazing talent and lovable personality that Lupita has. And I can go on The Ellen DeGeneres Show in a crisp white Veronica Beard shorts suit and be adorably candid about tabloid rumors that I’m dating Jared Leto. Except in this case I would prefer to actually be dating him. I should add that to my first grade pitch.
Ellen, celebrity interview magician that she is, just casually mentions that Lupita’s rumored to be hooking up with Jared Leto, and Lupita immediately brings Miley Cyrus into the conversation without any hesitation. She’s all, “Hey, what’s the deal with this Miley girl swooping in and stealing my man that I didn’t even know I was dating? Not cool, girlfriend.” Those aren’t her exact words, but that’s how I imagine she’d explain the situation to me if we talked about it over brunch. If she’s not dating him, I love that she just laughs off the rumors. If she is dating him, clever way to throw us off the scent.
Lupita then adds that sometimes the tabloid rumors about her are so convincing that she basically thinks she must be in some M. Night Shyamalan movie and the twist is that she’s been doing all these rumored things all along without realizing. It’s funny she should say that, because that’s exactly how I imagine Hollywood works. Just a bunch of beautiful people doing crazy things and then getting that memory zap thing from Men in Black and reading about what they did online the next day. It has to be that. Rumors just aren’t as fun to read about otherwise.