• Fri, Feb 21 - 9:49 am ET

Ariana Grande Strips Down To Her Panties To Give A Very Odd Interview About Cow Tits

Ariana Grande in her underwear on the cover of V Magazine March 2014

You guys, I think we may have forgotten to vet Ariana Grande properly. We were all so psyched about her song ‘The Way’ that we just assumed she was a normal Nickelodeon gal just trying to make it in the big city. But the more time goes on and the more quotes I see from her, the more I’m confused about what exactly goes on in her brain. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, ARIANA?

Take this new interview with V Magazine, for example. First of all she’s super skimpily dressed in all the photos, which is uncomfortable A. because my mind still thinks she’s sixteen, even though I know she’s twenty and B. because the outfits themselves are extra weird. Like that one at the top of this post — is she wearing Spanx under those lacy underoos? And what’s the deal with that bustier? Why does her body look so tiny while her head is normal-sized? I NEED ANSWERS.

But I’m not going to get them from the interview, which ranges in topics from heart attacks to dharma to her hair (finally!) to cow tit pus. Meh. Obviously we have a lot of ground to cover, so let’s get started:

“I use my hair as a mask, as a shield. I hide behind it and it’s what keeps me me. Some people make fun of me for it, but I don’t know who those some people are, so I don’t care.”

Um, hello. I am one of those people. And it’s less about making fun of you for it and more about demanding to know what secrets it’s hiding. TAKE DOWN THE PONYTAIL. I’m starting a petition.

“In America, almost everybody thinks you need to have meat for protein. Protein, protein, protein! And what’s in dairy? Calcium, calcium, calcium. It’s those kinds of proteins that latch onto the insides of your blood- stream and make it easier for you to have a heart attack. Look, cows produce milk with nutrients for cows. Maybe that’s why Americans end up looking like cows! Ultimately, no one wants cow tit pus in their food, do they?”

Okay we’re all over the map here, but I think the bottom line is that if you eat cows, you end up looking like one? (Which goes a long way toward explaining why my muzzle is getting so fuzzy lately.) And also I’m just finding this out now — not everyone likes eating cow tit pus???? But have you tried it with pickles? SO DIVINE.

“Music is my dharma. It’s what makes my heart smile and what I feel like I am meant to do. I understand music more than I understand human beings and the English language.”

Now that I can believe, as someone who just read the rest of your interview.

(Photo: Tom Munro for V Magazine)

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  • skepticallyme

    …… I’m in med school, and I must admit – this is the first time I’ve heard of calcium leading to heart attacks.
    Cholesterol leading to heart attacks – that I’ve heard. Calcium?
    Tit pus? Pus is chemically different from milk, and my head’s spinning.
    I think I’m going to need some of her ‘dharma points’ stat.

    • Jenny

      Uhhmm … to be fair she said proteins, not calcium. Calcium isn’t a protein? And you don’t really have to be a med student to know it’s cholestrol that leads to heart attacks, I think most people know that. Somebody must have forgotten to let Ariana in on the secret though.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Doesn’t it totes make your heart smile, though??

  • Jenny

    I don’t think she’s hiding many secrets in her head … I don’t think there’s too much in there to be honest

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Zinnnng!

  • Alyssa

    Are we sure she isn’t on drugs? Also… Good thing she doesn’t sing in English.. oh wait.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Hahaha yeah.

  • wfwdqdq

    Yeah I feel like she should only sing, and never talk. Her voice is beautiful, but if lyrics aren’t being sung, she’s using it to speak nonsense…

  • mrs. mitch

    Do some research–there’s pus in the milk that we drink. She might not have stated it very clearly or eloquently, but she’s obviously speaking about her vegetarian/vegan views.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Maybe there’s pus in the milk YOU drink. I would never drink pus.

    • Joanna Rafael

      Soylent green is pus.

  • Queencinaty

    … *checks books about heart condition*

    WTF! Everything I’ve learned from pre-med school is WRONG! Holy cow (perfectly healthy, pus-free cows) that sucks!

    *sobs*

  • Jana

    “Maybe that’s why Americans end up looking like cows!” Now I’m completely uninterested in her.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Yeah, it’s like, “Where are you from, girl?”

  • LeFemmeChevalier

    Stop being judgmental. Her message is clear: to harvest human breast milk in order for us to look like the humans we’re suppose to be. We’re humans, dammit! Drink human milk!

    So to all females, make sure to share your breast milk to your family and your neighbors as it is imperative for humanity to prevent the inevitable tragedy of looking like cows.

  • stephanie

    I don’t think see is a :<l