Congratulations to Kendall Jenner, who at eighteen years old has finally thrown her hat into the Photoshop ring. And about time, right? I was so over watching her tired old body turn decrepit right in front of my eyes. I’m glad they’ve finally decided to spruce her up on the cover of Marie Claire Mexico to protect my poor aching eyes from her all-too-human features.
Her face was never that offensive to me — or to you, because I’m assuming I speak for all of us, like always — but it always really bothered me that she was so three-dimensional below the waist. It’s just this disgusting thing her body does where it takes up Space in the world, and it really offends my eyes to look at. But luckily the geniuses in the Photoshop department at Marie Claire Mexico have seen to all that, reducing her back to the two-dimensional paper doll that I’ve always imagined her as in my mind.
See? Look at those crisp sleek lines! There’s nothing more disgusting than when one part of a woman’s body casts a shadow on another part, or when you can tell that she has flesh and blood arms and legs instead of Barbie limbs, so I couldn’t be more relieved at the image peering back at me from this magazine cover. Finally, legs that connect to torsos via a clean shear, as was INTENDED BY THE LORD. Down with joints, down with hips, down with natural tone and shading and all the topography of human skin!
DOWN WITH IT ALL AND VIVA LA THIGH GAP!
(Photo: Vladimir Marti / Marie Claire Mexico via E!)