• Sun, Feb 16 - 11:00 am ET

Lifetime Movie The Good Mistress Is A Helpful Reminder To Never Trust Anyone. Ever.

Lifetime movie The Good Mistress 2014 2

David won’t stop trying to talk to her about the situation, but she keeps telling him to take a hike because of that whole being married to her BFF thing. Eventually he ends up at her door, where he threatens to tell her probation officer that she was drinking if she even thinks about telling Karen what they did. See, I told you she was an alcoholic for plot reasons.

Sandy gets assigned to pay a visit to the mother of that missing girl the movie keeps forgetting to tell us about. While she’s there she tells the story of how her parents died in a car accident, the number one off-screen killer of parents in movies that want to give their protagonists sad backstories. This earns her the woman’s trust, so she tells her about her daughter Anne and shows her the card her boyfriend had given her: “A perfect rose for a perfect lady.” That’s right, he couldn’t even think up a different line. Clearly Sandy’s new duty in life is to prove David is the killer even though she really has no concrete evidence of it.

Sandy’s determined to make up for that time she almost killed that kid, so she goes on a hunt for clues. That includes talking to a barfly at the place she met up with David. That same guy ends up dead in his car later from an apparent suicide. He has a memory card full of photos of Anne. The cops assume he’s the killer, until the cute sheriff notices a handy-dandy reflection in one of the photos. At that point Sandy’s brakes have already been cut, and she’s had a confrontation with David in a parking garage, the worst place to go in a Lifetime movie.

David realizes he has to take action, so he asks Karen to come with him to their cabin in the woods, where “no one will hear her scream.” Haha, get it? She thinks he means she’ll scream during sexy times but we assume/know he means she’ll scream when he kills her. I see you, Lifetime. Sandy finds out where they’ve gone and races after them. It just wouldn’t be a Lifetime movie without a character racing to a secluded cabin to save someone from being murdered.

When Sandy gets there she hears Karen and David fighting and sees David bring an ax into the house, presumably to go all Lizzie Borden on his wife (cross-marketing!). Sandy lures him outside by setting off the car alarm and promptly knocks him unconscious. Karen demands an explanation, because she’s weirdly not so excited that her husband has just been attacked by her BFF in the middle of nowhere. Sandy gives her the CliffsNotes version of the story, and Karen is a little too forgiving. Wait a minute, she’s eyeing that knife on the table very menacingly. It couldn’t be… but she’s… is she…? Oh yes she is! Turns out Karen was the murderer all along. Told you you couldn’t trust anyone!

As always happens in Lifetime movies where someone presumably unexpected turns out to be a bad guy, they go from zero to nutso in a single evil monologue. It’s like pretending to be a nice, sane person was just too much for them to handle for that long, and they can finally just be themselves. Let it goooo! Let it gooo! The cold never bothered them anyway, etc., etc. David wakes up and tries to stop Karen from killing Sandy because I guess he’s nice now? But it doesn’t matter because Sandy shoots her to death right before the cute sheriff shows up.

The movie ends with Sandy pouring her vodka down the sink and the cute sheriff showing up at her door with a pizza. She lets them in of course, because even though Lifetime just spent the last two hours proving how little you can trust people, a lady should always end her movie with a man. The last shot is of the sheriff straightening a photograph in her apartment that’s been crooked the whole movie. ALERT ALERT SYMBOLISM. HE’S STRAIGHTENING OUT HER CRAZY LIFE WITH HIS LOVE. DO YOU GET IT? WHAT IF I LITERALLY BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH IT WILL THAT HELP?

(Images: Lifetime)

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  • HB

    More of these, please.

    • Jill O’Rourke

      As you wish.

  • Ron Oliver

    Hey Jill – I wrote “The Good Mistress” — and i wanted to tell you I absolutely LOVED your review of the movie here. Thanks for watching AND for the good-natured (I hope?) take down of our frothy little flick.

    • Jill O’Rourke

      Thank you! Good-natured is always the aim.

    • Sherry Banta Spilman

      I thoroughly enjoyed your review. Extremely funny, and more entertaining than the movie turned out to be. Sorry, Ron. The actresses were cheesy. I wanted to smack Karen, she was so annoying. And for good reason. Turns out she was the evil villain!

    • Jill O’Rourke

      Thanks!

  • A.J.

    This review was hilarious! I pegged Karen as the murderer about fifteen minutes into the story. She was waaaay too controlled and relaxed when talking about the missing woman, not to mention disturbingly nonchalant when Sandy and David realized who the other one was. I just kept laughing at that chop-shop relic from the 80s Sandy was driving, and at the antics of her wannabe lecherous landlord. Also, am I the only one who thought that the cop and David were the same person initially?

    • Jill O’Rourke

      I feel like there are always two men in every Lifetime movie that I get mixed up.

  • Trevor

    One lesson that I took from this movie: Always park in open parking lots. If only Lifetime people would learn that lesson.

    • Jill O’Rourke

      Seriously! Parking garages are always a bad decision.

  • Lackadaisical

    Never trust a man who straightens your pictures the first time you let him in, even if … no especially if he is a sheriff. There is something rather smotheringly controlling about that and lifetime are robbing us by not giving us a sequel where the sheriff turns into a deranged stalker who uses his position as the local law enforcer to make escaping him impossible.

    • Jill O’Rourke

      Never. Trust. Anyone.

    • Lackadaisical

      I don’t even trust Sandy. The whole film could just be missing a short court scene clip at the end where a lawyer says “and that, your honour, is how my client came to be standing over the body of her boyfriend’s wife”. The policeman only arrives after the shot from what you say and the victims unfaithful husband who is having an affair with the shooter is not the most reliable of witnesses.

      Can I trust myself? After those lifetime lessons I am starting to wonder if I am the seemingly nice but will turn psychotic without warning stereotype. I haven’t killed anyone yet but will I become a swivel eyed killer when some random woman comes up to me and spouts dénouement.

  • Kay_Sue

    This review makes me want to find the movie and watch it, actually. Is that a weird reaction? Maybe I should see a doctor… ;)

    • Jill O’Rourke

      Don’t fight it.

  • ClementinaFennelly
  • atr wilson

    Finally a decent lifetime movie! I’m impressed hope they keep up the good work.. Always Jill right on the mark!

  • Barbara Miller

    OK two things. Was that a wooden Jesus fish on her wall (????) and what new employee can take that much time off just running out of the building and not coming back after a leisurely lunch?

    • Jill O’Rourke

      I somehow missed the Jesus fish, but yes to the time off thing. I guess that’s just what you have to do when you’re an amateur detective.

  • Barbara Miller

    OK maybe three…my favorite line as she is about to knife her BFF, something like “my husband is running for county commissioner and no one will get in our way!!” Ohhh Lifetime….

  • Cbalducc

    Alas, I missed this one. Another Canadian production according to IMDB. What American city was this supposedly set in? How many American flags did you see?

  • JayInSF

    What is the actor’s name that played the Sheriff?