Lifetime Movie The Good Mistress Is A Helpful Reminder To Never Trust Anyone. Ever.

Lifetime movie The Good Mistress 2014

When I first learned that this week’s new Lifetime movie would be called The Good Mistress, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. Suddenly I turned into Gandalf the Grey and was all, “What do you mean? Do you mean she’s a mistress who’s good to her boyfriend, or that she’s a mistress with good morals? Or perhaps you mean she’s good at the things a mistress does (sex)?” Now that I’ve watched the movie, I’m still not quite sure what the title is supposed to mean, but I do know one thing — Lifetime doesn’t want us to trust anyone. As in, no one. Ever. Nada. Zilch. Unless it’s a cute sheriff, but we’ll get to that later.

The movie opens with a young woman running frantically through the woods. She gets knocked on the head and strangled to death by someone we can’t see. You know, we could wrap this up right away if you’d just give us a reverse shot, Lifetime. When will you learn?

We’re then introduced to our heroine, if you can call her that. She’s one of the least likable, most want-to-shake-her-and-tell-her-to-stop-being-the-way-she-is heroines I’ve witnessed in a Lifetime movie. Her name is Sandy Cooper (Annie Heise), and she’s moving to a new town called Shelter Hills to “start over.” Had she ever seen a horror film, she’d know that moving somewhere to start over almost always leads to murder. In Sandy’s case the past she’s running away from includes that time she got drunk and hit a kid on his bicycle. He survived of course, because this movie wants Sandy to be an alcoholic for plot reasons, but it also wants us to like her at least a little bit.

Sandy’s friend and former babysitter (??) Karen (Kendra Anderson) helps get her a job interview at a law firm, and despite her probation, the boss is like, “Okay sure, I’ll let you work here for the sake of the plot.” He didn’t take Lifetime’s advice about trusting people, but luckily just this once it turned out okay. Karen goes on and on about what a perfect husband she has, and how he’s running for some political office that wasn’t important enough for me to remember. Gee, I wonder if he’ll turn out to not be who she thinks he is.

While loading her groceries into the trunk of her car one day, a couple of hooligans on bikes zoom past Sandy and she gets a case of the dark and creepy flashbacks to that time when she hit that kid. Remember that? Good times. It distracts her so much that her shopping cart goes rolling away and is stopped by a handsome stranger (Antonio Cupo). Of course he doesn’t just hand it off to her and walk away as would happen in real life (at least to me), but he immediately gives her his number and asks her out for coffee, saying his name is Sam. IF THAT’S EVEN HIS REAL NAME. (It’s not.)

One of the clients at Sandy and Karen’s law firm just happens to be the mother of the girl who was murdered at the beginning of the movie. The police find the girl’s body in the woods. Unless this is just a side story that Lifetime threw in to fill out the runtime, the murderer must already be in this movie. I bet it’s the man Sandy met! Do you think it’s him? I think it’s him. It has to be him.

Speaking of him, Sandy agrees to meet up with him for a date, but little does she know the place where they’re meeting is a bar. A place she’s not supposed to go because of her probation. And it has alcohol. The thing she’s not supposed to drink. Clearly she has a breakdown and runs outside, where she and His Name Isn’t Really Sam have a heart-to-heart about her dark past. He’s still totally into her despite everything, though, because who cares? A vagina’s a vagina. Clearly they have sex that night. The next morning he sneaks up on her in the bathroom because AHH HE’S A KILLER! Just kidding, he went and get her a rose with a note that reads, “A perfect rose for a perfect lady.” Excuse me while I bleghhhhh.

This movie’s supposed to be about a mistress, so it’s about time we met that wife of his, wouldn’t you agree? Naturally just when Sandy and Karen are having a fun lunch talking about how great this new relationship will be for Sandy’s fresh start, His Name Isn’t Really Sam walks in and Karen declares that this is her husband David. Like I said, don’t trust anyone. Sandy struggles to hide her disgust for a few minutes, but finally she just leaves without paying, and then she calls in sick for the rest of the day so she can spend some time curled up on the floor holding a bottle of vodka and struggling with whether to drink it.

You can reach this post's author, Jill O’Rourke, on twitter.
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    • HB

      More of these, please.

      • Jill O’Rourke

        As you wish.

    • Ron Oliver

      Hey Jill – I wrote “The Good Mistress” — and i wanted to tell you I absolutely LOVED your review of the movie here. Thanks for watching AND for the good-natured (I hope?) take down of our frothy little flick.

      • Jill O’Rourke

        Thank you! Good-natured is always the aim.

      • Sherry Banta Spilman

        I thoroughly enjoyed your review. Extremely funny, and more entertaining than the movie turned out to be. Sorry, Ron. The actresses were cheesy. I wanted to smack Karen, she was so annoying. And for good reason. Turns out she was the evil villain!

      • Jill O’Rourke


    • A.J.

      This review was hilarious! I pegged Karen as the murderer about fifteen minutes into the story. She was waaaay too controlled and relaxed when talking about the missing woman, not to mention disturbingly nonchalant when Sandy and David realized who the other one was. I just kept laughing at that chop-shop relic from the 80s Sandy was driving, and at the antics of her wannabe lecherous landlord. Also, am I the only one who thought that the cop and David were the same person initially?

      • Jill O’Rourke

        I feel like there are always two men in every Lifetime movie that I get mixed up.

    • Trevor

      One lesson that I took from this movie: Always park in open parking lots. If only Lifetime people would learn that lesson.

      • Jill O’Rourke

        Seriously! Parking garages are always a bad decision.

    • Lackadaisical

      Never trust a man who straightens your pictures the first time you let him in, even if … no especially if he is a sheriff. There is something rather smotheringly controlling about that and lifetime are robbing us by not giving us a sequel where the sheriff turns into a deranged stalker who uses his position as the local law enforcer to make escaping him impossible.

      • Jill O’Rourke

        Never. Trust. Anyone.

      • Lackadaisical

        I don’t even trust Sandy. The whole film could just be missing a short court scene clip at the end where a lawyer says “and that, your honour, is how my client came to be standing over the body of her boyfriend’s wife”. The policeman only arrives after the shot from what you say and the victims unfaithful husband who is having an affair with the shooter is not the most reliable of witnesses.

        Can I trust myself? After those lifetime lessons I am starting to wonder if I am the seemingly nice but will turn psychotic without warning stereotype. I haven’t killed anyone yet but will I become a swivel eyed killer when some random woman comes up to me and spouts dénouement.

    • Kay_Sue

      This review makes me want to find the movie and watch it, actually. Is that a weird reaction? Maybe I should see a doctor… ;)

      • Jill O’Rourke

        Don’t fight it.

    • ClementinaFennelly
    • atr wilson

      Finally a decent lifetime movie! I’m impressed hope they keep up the good work.. Always Jill right on the mark!

    • Barbara Miller

      OK two things. Was that a wooden Jesus fish on her wall (????) and what new employee can take that much time off just running out of the building and not coming back after a leisurely lunch?

      • Jill O’Rourke

        I somehow missed the Jesus fish, but yes to the time off thing. I guess that’s just what you have to do when you’re an amateur detective.

    • Barbara Miller

      OK maybe three…my favorite line as she is about to knife her BFF, something like “my husband is running for county commissioner and no one will get in our way!!” Ohhh Lifetime….

    • Cbalducc

      Alas, I missed this one. Another Canadian production according to IMDB. What American city was this supposedly set in? How many American flags did you see?

    • JayInSF

      What is the actor’s name that played the Sheriff?

    • skybolt

      I laughed out loud at the scene where the cop is driving like 90 miles/hour in a grocery store parking lot, and has the audacity to blame Sandy for getting in his way. Also, the probation officer was awfully smiley and understanding at the end, especially considering that Sandy had cracked him over the head and stole his car earlier