Congratulations to Simon Cowell and his married girlfriend, Lauren Silverman, who are now the proud parents of a baby Simon. Well not really, his name is Eric, but I can’t imagine someone like Simon Cowell reproducing and not having a mini-me, you know?
I mean, he’s probably already wearing a v-neck onesie and critiquing the entire hospital staff of Lenox Hill right now. “Amateurish delivery. Did you obtain a medical degree? Well, I suggest you get a lawyer and sue your university. And mum? Did you have to sound like a thousand alley cats being tortured whilst pushing me out? I mean, honestly. And a Valentine’s Day birthday? Cliche and overdone.”
Baby Eric Cowell is reportedly named after Simon’s father, who died in 1999. He is also happy and healthy and probably already sharing a celebratory smoke with his old man, who hopped on a private jet from London to be present for the birth (which was not sponsored by Dreft, oddly.)
There has been no comment from Andrew Silverman, Simon’s old best pal, congratulating the couple on the birth of their baby. Probably because Andrew is also technically still Lauren’s husband. Whoopsies! At least baby Simon Cowell can find comfort in baby Owen Wilson, since he, too, enjoys impregnating married ladies. I’m already pre-ordering their future co-authored tell-all book as we speak.