I don’t mean to spoil your Valentine’s Day plans before they even start, but I’m about to do just that. Because it literally doesn’t matter what your night has in store for you, Zahara, Shiloh, and Vivenne Jolie-Pitt are crushing it even harder. Why is that, you ask? Because for Valentine’s Day, their dad, Brad Pitt, bought them Neil Lane diamond necklaces as presents. And here’s the really important part: they totaled a cool $12,000. For reference, some people spend $12K of a (sort of reliable) car, college tuition, or a lifetime supply of cheese. But not the actual sweetest and most ridiculous dad on Earth, Brad Pitt.
And look, I’m sorry to have to be the reason that you’ll never be able to look at a box of generic-brand heart chocolates from the drugstore the same way again. Because, if you had had a different life, those chocolates could have actually been diamonds worth thousands of dollars that you could casually bring up in every single conversation. “Oh, your back is hurting? That’s too bad. But speaking of necklaces, have you seen mine? It’s for rich people, by rich people. Later losers!” And then you’d speed off in your top-down convertible and go eat some escargot. Isn’t that what people with a lot of money do all day? I mean, after they go on jewelry shopping sprees for their daughters who 100% do not give a damn about diamonds.
And just a heads up, if it sounds like I’m jealous of them, you should know that it’s because I totally am. I’m trying to control myself, but I’m spiraling into a dark place right now. I know that they’re only 5, 7, and 9 years old and my age is just around what you’d get if you added all of those ages together. But once you get past those stupid morals, it’s just not fair! What I wouldn’t give to be the adopted child of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on every single Valentine’s Day to come. So, Dad Brad, when are you going to process those adoption papers that I sent to you a while back? This neck isn’t going to bejewel itself.