Endless Love Is So Bad That It’s Brilliant

Alex Pettyfer David Valet Endless Love

(via)

This news causes Mr. Butterfield to blow a gasket. Possibly even two gaskets. He’s had enough of this low-life valet making his daughter happy. He’s taking the entire family (including memories of the dead son) to the lake house. Jade protests because she’s in love and the whole point of skipping the internship was to have sex with her boyfriend. Her dad’s like, “I know Jade, that’s why I’m taking you away from here.” Except TWIST, the lake house is like 5 minutes from town and David shows up 5 minutes later. Literally, Jade gets there, sits down on a couch to mope and before she can even shed a tear, David rings the doorbell. So the entire lake house plan is ruined right away. But I’m so happy the producers spent money on that set!

Cue another musical montage where Jade and David fall even more in love. In this one, they get high with a few people and sneak into the zoo. There’s a scene, and I shit you not, where the friends (oh Jade has those now) lay down in a circle INSIDE the elephant exhibit and an elephant sprays water on them. And it’s portrayed as carefree and fun and not at all insanely dangerous. Things take a turn for the worse though when the cops show up to see who broke into the zoo. David valiantly sacrifices himself to them so that PreMed Jade has time to run away.

So Jade goes running home and begs her father to get David out of jail. And Mr. Butterfield agrees to if and only if Jade goes to her internship at Brown and never speaks to him again. She says yes, ANYTHING FOR DAVID. So Mr. Butterfield gets David out of jail and gleefully tells him that he and Jade are dunzo.

End of movie.

JK suckerz! This love is endless and so is this movie. Jade finds her balls (hidden under her the key to her chastity belt) and disobeys her father by going to see David. But he’s all like, “umm go to college Jade and forget about me. I’m filth, no I’m lower than filth, I’m a valet.” So Jade drives away in tears and gets in a car accident, reminding all of us that this is why women should not be allowed to drive. Their hormones can’t help but get in the way. But don’t stress, with the exception of a few artfully placed bruises, Jade’s totes fine. But Mr. Butterfield’s angrier than ever about Jade’s obsession with David. So he gets a restraining order again David and sends Jade off to Brown. Somehow his Father of the Year Award gets lost in the mail.

Fast forward to December.

David runs into Mrs. Butterfield and is like “is Jade coming home for Christmas? I NEED TO SEE HER!” And Mrs. Butterfield is all, “Oh, Mr. Butterfield will be so mad at me if I tell you, but okay! Meet her at the airport. #YoungLove #EndlessLove #SayGoodToInnocence.” So David goes to the airport, buys a ticket (which is like fourteen quatrillion dollars for a valet), finds Jade and tells her he still loves her. She says the same. They kiss and then part.

End of movie.

PSYCH.

Like I said, this love is endless. So Jade leaves David at the airport and goes home with her parents. Mr. Butterfield finds not-dead brother playing with candles in dead-brother’s room and blows anther gasket at this flagrant display of disrespect. Bringing the total blown gasket count in this movie to three. He gets in a fight with non-dead brother, and then Jade when she tells him she’s leaving with David. To where? I’m not sure. But leaving! She’s in love and it’s endless and no one can stop her! NO ONE! Except a fire.

Yes, the house sets on fire from all those candles that the non-dead brother lit. Somehow no one notices, except the entire audience who is like the roof, the roof, the roof is literally on fire. Long story short, David saves Mr. Butterfield from dying in the fire then Mr. Butterfield saves David from dying in the fire and then Mr. Butterfield admits that this whole anti-David thing was really about his dead son (sure!) and David’s all like “it’s totally cool dude, I banged your daughter either way.” Then they’re one big happy family.

End of movie. For real this time. But obvi fingers crossed for a prequel about this dead son who turned a family man into an evil villain who hates love.

Share This Post:
    • Guest

      OMFG I think I’m going to get fired for laughing so hard at my desk! Thanks a lot, Maier!

      • Jenni

        I do what I can to contribute to the unemployment rate!

    • elle

      Omg! Stop! this was amazingly hilarious (my assistant was pretty weirded out until I showed her now we are both dying with laughter) and presumably 800X better then the movie ever could be.

      • Jenni

        I’ve never laughed so hard at a movie in my life. The elephant scene nearly killed me.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        A very necessary use of the phrase ‘I shit you not’, as well.

    • Maddie

      Oh man! What an emotional roller coaster ride!! I feel like you are Andy from that episode of Parks and Rec where he tells all the important people about movies he’s seen..have you seen that one??

    • jane

      Every time I see the commercial for this movie I hope that some kind of giant monster is going to come out of the lake and terrorize them all and it’s actually a horror movie and not a terrible rom-com.

      I actually don’t think the plot’d have to change a whole lot. Just add in some monsters and screaming.

      • Jenni

        There’s one point in the fire where it really could’ve gone that way. But then they both see into each other’s souls and save each other.

    • Robotic Arms Dealer

      Jenni, by definition, don’t ALL rom-com have wooden actors, cliche dialogue, bad accents, nonsensical plots and diabolical dads?

      • Jenni

        Oh gosh, we should be so lucky to have that many horrible rom-coms.

      • Young Eggenstein

        Ahhh my Endless love!

      • ICEMAN!!!

        I’m his endless love!! He’s not cheating with you is he?

      • Young Eggenstein

        BASTAGE!!!!!!!!!!!

      • ICEMAN!!!

        Oh it’s on like donkey kong. Prepare for the internet beat down.

      • Young Eggenstein

        Come on BEATCH! He’s my man!!!

      • ICEMAN!!!

        REally did he make a cast of his junk for you and give to you for valentines!!!! I think now. He mine!

        *Slaps egg!

      • Young Eggenstein

        HE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • ICEMAN!!!

        Was it all small and weird looking?

      • Young Eggenstein

        Like a broken pinky

      • ICEMAN!!!

        I was kind of underwhelmed by it. What’s yours look like?

      • Young Eggenstein

        Like a baby arm

      • ICEMAN!!!

        I was hoping for a foosa.

      • Young Eggenstein

        *grabs hand puts it on my junk

      • ICEMAN!!!

        Wow really? You post here now?

      • Young Eggenstein

        BWAAAHAHAHHA

      • Robotic Arms Dealer

        Now? I’ve been posting here since my exodus

    • Meg Malone

      Your quip about Converse sneakers is the truest way anyone has ever summed up my style and personality.

      • Jenni

        I do what I can to shoe-hole people.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Pigeon-shoe.

      • Jenni

        Tomato tomato.

      • Guest

        Pigeon-hole

    • Anna Banana

      Do yourself a favour and look up the 1981 version on Wikipedia. It’s even better in how ridiculous it is.

    • LouLou

      bravo!! bravo!!!!

    • Pingback: Transcendence Review: Johnny Depp Doesn't Even Try

    • http://monvieestbelle.tumblr.com/ Ella

      How are you so funny? But seriously, this was hilarious. Now I have to watch this movie and keep this review in my mind the whole time.

    • Pingback: Obvious Child Review And Ticket Giveaway