• Thu, Feb 13 - 12:43 pm ET

Endless Love Is So Bad That It’s Brilliant

Endless Love Riding in the back of the truck makeout

(via)

Fast forward to Jade’s party. It’s full of waiters with trays and old people who her parents probably had to beg to attend. And David. He shows up just when Jade’s about to have an epiphany about how “making friends” works. She’s all like, “booo, no one came.” And David’s all like, “oh, that’s because there’s another awesome par-tay happening tonight and everyone’s there and I guess I should’ve told you that information before letting you throw this embarrassmentfest.”

Then in a romantic gesture that will go down in rom-com history, David calls the cops to get them to break up the other party. Meaning all those drunk teenagers have nowhere to go besides Jade’s party. Within seconds, the mansion’s full of sloppy teens. Jade’s not-dead brother suggests that everyone at the party pair off, pick a song out of a hat and spend 30 minutes coming up with a choreographed dance. While I expected the kids to locate Abby Lee Miller and throw her at him, they instead LOVED the idea. And after I see all the choreographed dances, it’s clear why! They’re all phenomenal dancers! Can you believe it?! Anyways, the whole point of this scene was to show David and Jade doing a sexy choreographed dance together. So sexy that David pulls Jade into a closet to kiss her. Their lips are about to touch when Jade’s father starts looking for her. They hear him and continue to almost touch lips for a solid minute. The kiss never happens. Which is weird because they were as close as you can get to it happening. Not sure what step they they thought they were missing.

Jade’s father finds them in the closet — in front of all the party guests!!! — and kicks everyone out. But twist, Jade runs after David and gives him a big old smack on the lips. Mr. Butterfield, who’s possibly the first ever rom-com villain, wants to quash this relationship right away. But his wife convinces him to invite David to dinner. Also to locate that key to Jade’s chastity belt. Mr. Butterfield agrees to the first suggestion. But then nearly throws up his dinner when he learns that David’s not going to college. He shakes his fist at God and asks what he did to deserve a valet at his dinner table. Then he and the missus retire to bed, presumably to pray for David’s demise.

Which leaves Jade totally free to have sex with David in their library with the door open in front of a blazing fire. Because the best way to warm your father up to your new anti-college-valet boyfriend is to maximize the chances that he’ll catch you FUCKING HIM in the library. After they sex each other, Jade breaks the news to David that she has to leave in 10 days to do an internship at Brown. He whines because he thought they’d be able to have sex all summer. She’s like, “look, my dad got me this internship and without it, I’ll never get into med school.” Because in this world, med school requires students to do an internship before college even starts. David makes the best of things by treating Jade to the world’s most fun-filled 10-day musical montage ever. We have concerts and we have water fights and we have carefree rides in the back of pick-up trucks and heartfelt kisses that touch our hearts and capture our souls. It’s such a good musical montage that Jade agrees to skip her internship and spend the rest of the summer with David.

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  • Guest

    OMFG I think I’m going to get fired for laughing so hard at my desk! Thanks a lot, Maier!

    • Jenni

      I do what I can to contribute to the unemployment rate!

  • elle

    Omg! Stop! this was amazingly hilarious (my assistant was pretty weirded out until I showed her now we are both dying with laughter) and presumably 800X better then the movie ever could be.

    • Jenni

      I’ve never laughed so hard at a movie in my life. The elephant scene nearly killed me.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      A very necessary use of the phrase ‘I shit you not’, as well.

  • Maddie

    Oh man! What an emotional roller coaster ride!! I feel like you are Andy from that episode of Parks and Rec where he tells all the important people about movies he’s seen..have you seen that one??

  • jane

    Every time I see the commercial for this movie I hope that some kind of giant monster is going to come out of the lake and terrorize them all and it’s actually a horror movie and not a terrible rom-com.

    I actually don’t think the plot’d have to change a whole lot. Just add in some monsters and screaming.

    • Jenni

      There’s one point in the fire where it really could’ve gone that way. But then they both see into each other’s souls and save each other.

  • Robotic Arms Dealer

    Jenni, by definition, don’t ALL rom-com have wooden actors, cliche dialogue, bad accents, nonsensical plots and diabolical dads?

    • Jenni

      Oh gosh, we should be so lucky to have that many horrible rom-coms.

    • Young Eggenstein

      Ahhh my Endless love!

    • ICEMAN!!!

      I’m his endless love!! He’s not cheating with you is he?

    • Young Eggenstein

      BASTAGE!!!!!!!!!!!

    • ICEMAN!!!

      Oh it’s on like donkey kong. Prepare for the internet beat down.

    • Young Eggenstein

      Come on BEATCH! He’s my man!!!

    • ICEMAN!!!

      REally did he make a cast of his junk for you and give to you for valentines!!!! I think now. He mine!

      *Slaps egg!

    • Young Eggenstein

      HE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • ICEMAN!!!

      Was it all small and weird looking?

    • Young Eggenstein

      Like a broken pinky

    • ICEMAN!!!

      I was kind of underwhelmed by it. What’s yours look like?

    • Young Eggenstein

      Like a baby arm

    • ICEMAN!!!

      I was hoping for a foosa.

    • Young Eggenstein

      *grabs hand puts it on my junk

    • ICEMAN!!!

      Wow really? You post here now?

    • Young Eggenstein

      BWAAAHAHAHHA

    • Robotic Arms Dealer

      Now? I’ve been posting here since my exodus

  • Meg Malone

    Your quip about Converse sneakers is the truest way anyone has ever summed up my style and personality.

    • Jenni

      I do what I can to shoe-hole people.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Pigeon-shoe.

    • Jenni

      Tomato tomato.

    • Guest

      Pigeon-hole

  • Anna Banana

    Do yourself a favour and look up the 1981 version on Wikipedia. It’s even better in how ridiculous it is.

  • LouLou

    bravo!! bravo!!!!

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