• Thu, Feb 13 - 12:43 pm ET

Endless Love Is So Bad That It’s Brilliant

Endless Love Fireplace sex scene

(via)

The only thing I enjoy more than watching an Oscar-worthy film in theaters is watching a horribly scripted rom-com with wooden actors, cliche dialogue, bad accents, nonsensical plots and diabolical dads. So you can only imagine how much I loved watching Endless Love this week. You know what, I take that back. You can’t imagine that, because never in the history of horrible movies has a human being enjoyed a movie this much. I loved it so much that I’m tempted to march right back to that theater, steal the movie from them and take it out on a swanky Valentine’s Day Date.

With all that said, you should absolutely not pay money to see this in theaters. Which sucks for you because I just gave it rave reviews. But don’t worry, I’ve got your back. Rather than paying to see it, you can just read my synopsis right here. (Send thank you notes to Jenni c/o The Crushable Offices.)

The movie starts with a dramatic narration from David TooPoor4ALastName (Alex Pettyfer) about Jade Butterfield (Gabriella Wilde). You see, her brother died during her sophomore year and she’s been a shut-in spinster ever since. Despite being the most beautiful creature alive (my words, not his), she has no friends. Well besides her parents and her books. David tells us that he’s wanted to be with her ever since freshman year, but she’s a total ice queen and talks to no one. So to recap what we know so far, this beautiful, smart high school girl with an ice queen attitude has no friends. Sure, definitely, that’s not all the formula that it usually takes to be popular.

The Butterfields go to a posh restaurant to celebrate Jade’s graduation. And twist of fate alert, David works there as a valet. Some might say it’s great that a high school student has a job. Others (*cough* Mr. Butterfield *cough*) might say that a valet’s one step above being a serial killer. When Jade’s getting out of the car, she drops her books/friends and David picks them up.  She says thank you and BOOM, the ice queen curse is broken. Turns out all you had to do to break it was to speak to her. If only David had tried that trick before they graduated! While it’s now crystal clear they’re destined for each other, Jade still goes inside to eat with her family.

Her parents ask her what she wants for graduation and she replies that she wants a party. Both her parents and her not-dead brother look at her in shock. Because, um, you kinda need friends to have a party. But Jade explains that she wants to throw it because high school is when you’re supposed to make your best friends for life and she wants to make them before it’s too late. No one at the table has the heart to tell her it’s too late. Waaayyy tooooo late. Instead they’re like, “okkaayyy Jade, honey boo boo, that makes sense.” (Also, this seems like the right time to tell you that Jade wears cute dresses with converses throughout the movie so we know from the start that she has a hidden edge. Converse, the official sneakers of rebels who obey curfews.)

Obviously Jade knows who she wants to invite to her party — David! The only person who talked to her in high school! She runs downstairs and shyly invites him. Like the Butterfields, David’s surprised she’s throwing a party. But also like them, he tells her it sounds like a fab idea, he’ll totes come. To celebrate the good news, David, his nameless friend and Jade “borrow” a rude customer’s car who dropped it off at the valet stand and take it for a joy ride. The convertible has the roof down so you can only imagine how free Jade feels in it. Within seconds she goes from repressed Daddy’s girl to a woman. Dare I say it, but I think she gets her first period in this scene.

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  • Guest

    OMFG I think I’m going to get fired for laughing so hard at my desk! Thanks a lot, Maier!

    • Jenni

      I do what I can to contribute to the unemployment rate!

  • elle

    Omg! Stop! this was amazingly hilarious (my assistant was pretty weirded out until I showed her now we are both dying with laughter) and presumably 800X better then the movie ever could be.

    • Jenni

      I’ve never laughed so hard at a movie in my life. The elephant scene nearly killed me.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      A very necessary use of the phrase ‘I shit you not’, as well.

  • Maddie

    Oh man! What an emotional roller coaster ride!! I feel like you are Andy from that episode of Parks and Rec where he tells all the important people about movies he’s seen..have you seen that one??

  • jane

    Every time I see the commercial for this movie I hope that some kind of giant monster is going to come out of the lake and terrorize them all and it’s actually a horror movie and not a terrible rom-com.

    I actually don’t think the plot’d have to change a whole lot. Just add in some monsters and screaming.

    • Jenni

      There’s one point in the fire where it really could’ve gone that way. But then they both see into each other’s souls and save each other.

  • Robotic Arms Dealer

    Jenni, by definition, don’t ALL rom-com have wooden actors, cliche dialogue, bad accents, nonsensical plots and diabolical dads?

    • Jenni

      Oh gosh, we should be so lucky to have that many horrible rom-coms.

    • Young Eggenstein

      Ahhh my Endless love!

    • ICEMAN!!!

      I’m his endless love!! He’s not cheating with you is he?

    • Young Eggenstein

      BASTAGE!!!!!!!!!!!

    • ICEMAN!!!

      Oh it’s on like donkey kong. Prepare for the internet beat down.

    • Young Eggenstein

      Come on BEATCH! He’s my man!!!

    • ICEMAN!!!

      REally did he make a cast of his junk for you and give to you for valentines!!!! I think now. He mine!

      *Slaps egg!

    • Young Eggenstein

      HE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • ICEMAN!!!

      Was it all small and weird looking?

    • Young Eggenstein

      Like a broken pinky

    • ICEMAN!!!

      I was kind of underwhelmed by it. What’s yours look like?

    • Young Eggenstein

      Like a baby arm

    • ICEMAN!!!

      I was hoping for a foosa.

    • Young Eggenstein

      *grabs hand puts it on my junk

    • ICEMAN!!!

      Wow really? You post here now?

    • Young Eggenstein

      BWAAAHAHAHHA

    • Robotic Arms Dealer

      Now? I’ve been posting here since my exodus

  • Meg Malone

    Your quip about Converse sneakers is the truest way anyone has ever summed up my style and personality.

    • Jenni

      I do what I can to shoe-hole people.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Pigeon-shoe.

    • Jenni

      Tomato tomato.

    • Guest

      Pigeon-hole

  • Anna Banana

    Do yourself a favour and look up the 1981 version on Wikipedia. It’s even better in how ridiculous it is.

  • LouLou

    bravo!! bravo!!!!

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  • http://monvieestbelle.tumblr.com/ Ella

    How are you so funny? But seriously, this was hilarious. Now I have to watch this movie and keep this review in my mind the whole time.

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