I guess there’s no way around the fact that I’ll never be a piano prodigy, you guys. I can whisper my hopes and dreams to myself in the mirror all I want, but I’ll never get another shot at being under ten and extremely talented.
Never again will I have the opportunity to be plucked from obscurity by Ellen DeGeneres to come sit across from her on her show in all my round-faced, cheeky glory, like Elias Phoenix was. Elias is a seven-year old who Ellen met about a month ago when he came on her show the first time, with his twin brother Zion. He’s insane on the piano, which is all well and good, but the real thing you’re gonna notice in this second time around is his charm.
The way he is with Ellen is the way I always dream I will be with celebrities. Like literally dream it. In my sleep I imagine that I’m so charming that famous people will be automatically disarmed by me, and wake up expecting an invitation to Lake Como in my mailbox from George Clooney. I can wish as much as I want, but I’m not that person — Elias is. And Ellen is just so tickled by him. I couldn’t be more jealous.
See that?? That could have been me! If only my parents had made me more adorable / given me piano talents more than being able to plunk out ‘Heart & Soul’, I could be on Ellen right now. UGH.