• Wed, Feb 12 - 12:08 pm ET

Dakota Fanning’s Fashion Week Outfit Was Specifically Designed To Confuse You

Dakota Fanning sitting next to Anna Wintour at New York Fashion Week February 2014What’s your game, Dakota Fanning? Did all the celebrities get together this past weekend and plot to confuse me, because it’s going really well so far. First Eva Mendes announced that she’s spending Valentine’s Day with Ryan Gosling…via watching him in The Notebookthen Bradley Cooper took his much-younger girlfriend out on a date…to the White House, and now I’m looking at the outfit you wore to New York Fashion Week last night, and I’m really having a moment.

What precisely is going on here, if I may ask? The photo above, is that art? Is this the newest installation at an art museum? Do I need to come sit in front of it and think about my choices until I cry? Why are you sitting next to Anna Wintour? How do you guys know each other? Did you meet when she gave you that grandma sweater? And did you and Anna ever accidentally lock eyes, or just studiously avoid each others’ glances all night? Did you talk about me? What did you say? Do you know it looks like you’re not wearing a shirt? Does Anna think I’m pretty? IS HER STOLE MADE OF JUST ONE MINK HOW DID IT GET SUCH A LONG BODY.

Sorry. Let me calm down for a second, because I need to talk about your outfit too. Miss Fanning, what are those pockets of skin on the front of your chest? On anyone else I would know them as breasts, but my brain still remembers you as a child star, so it is impossible that you have developed. We don’t need to talk about it all that much, just send me a postcard when you get the chance letting me know where you got those flesh balloons. No biggie. But also before I go, does this mean that mismatched shoes are a thing? Because I did not know they were a thing, and I for definitely can’t afford to buy two pairs of shoes instead of one, just so I can mix them up to look cool for Anna Wintour.

Anyway Dakota, please just write back when you get a second. Thanks most sincerely, Alexis Rhiannon.

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  • elle

    I kinda love those shoes but the rest of it is a big pile of bland.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I can’t even isolate a feeling of like or dislike, it’s just a low-flying cloud of confusion.

  • Kathy

    I think her shoes started out as white canvas sneakers, and she took a sharpie and colored in the black areas. How bohemian! Or maybe it’s just thrift shop.

    • Kathy

      Meant to say, she looks pretty good but the cleavage is a little disturbing. I think she’s about 20 or 21 now isn’t she?

  • Olivia Wilson

    I was going to comment on the boobs thing but I didn’t want to feel like a creep. Thanks for creepin’ with me.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Just creepin’ along…

  • J_Doe5686

    I love her shoes and sweater.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      You do you.

  • Elizabeth Aspen

    I’d love to know when it became 100% acceptable for celebrities to wear dead, tortured animals. A few years ago, you’d get flour or red paint thrown at you, today no one seems to give a sh!t. Says a lot about us as a species.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      It’s certainly not 100% acceptable.

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