What’s your game, Dakota Fanning? Did all the celebrities get together this past weekend and plot to confuse me, because it’s going really well so far. First Eva Mendes announced that she’s spending Valentine’s Day with Ryan Gosling…via watching him in The Notebook, then Bradley Cooper took his much-younger girlfriend out on a date…to the White House, and now I’m looking at the outfit you wore to New York Fashion Week last night, and I’m really having a moment.
What precisely is going on here, if I may ask? The photo above, is that art? Is this the newest installation at an art museum? Do I need to come sit in front of it and think about my choices until I cry? Why are you sitting next to Anna Wintour? How do you guys know each other? Did you meet when she gave you that grandma sweater? And did you and Anna ever accidentally lock eyes, or just studiously avoid each others’ glances all night? Did you talk about me? What did you say? Do you know it looks like you’re not wearing a shirt? Does Anna think I’m pretty? IS HER STOLE MADE OF JUST ONE MINK HOW DID IT GET SUCH A LONG BODY.
Sorry. Let me calm down for a second, because I need to talk about your outfit too. Miss Fanning, what are those pockets of skin on the front of your chest? On anyone else I would know them as breasts, but my brain still remembers you as a child star, so it is impossible that you have developed. We don’t need to talk about it all that much, just send me a postcard when you get the chance letting me know where you got those flesh balloons. No biggie. But also before I go, does this mean that mismatched shoes are a thing? Because I did not know they were a thing, and I for definitely can’t afford to buy two pairs of shoes instead of one, just so I can mix them up to look cool for Anna Wintour.
Anyway Dakota, please just write back when you get a second. Thanks most sincerely, Alexis Rhiannon.