People love to dredge up the past and make you wincingly re-live it. My brother, for example, will never let me forget that I owned a Juicy tracksuit from 2001-2006. Iāll neverĀ let my brother forget that he once fell and severely sprained his wristĀ rollerblading. And the masses will never letĀ Jennifer AnistonĀ forget that she was married to the worldās highest-paid Ken Doll, also known asĀ Brad Pitt. It sucks, but thatās just how life works.
For most of us, the surfacing of these memories can be embarrassing, sure, but we get over it because there are only like 50 people in the world who know us. When weāre innocently impulse-buying Toblerones at the Target check-out stand to reward ourselves for picking up toilet paper, itās not like weāre forced to see our past dissected in a tabloid next to the Trident gum.Ā But itās different for a celeb like Aniston. I feel bad for beating and taxidermy-ing the dead horse of Jenās past relationship since itās her birthday today, but every time I see her, all I can think is: āGOD, I STILL FEEL SORRY FOR YOU ABOUT THAT WHOLE BRAD THING. ALSO, YOUR BODY IS BETTER THAN EVERY 20-SOMETHING I KNOW, JESUS.ā One day she’ll climb out of the Brangelina shadow, but until then, letās poke the wounds and talk about other celebs who canāt escape their exes either.
1. Ben Affleck+ JLO
A few years ago,Ā Ben AffleckĀ took up directing as a strategic campaign to make you forget he appeared in aĀ J.LoĀ video. Okay, maybe Ben branched into directing to grow as a human. But cāmon.Ā HavingĀ GigliĀ on his IMDB pageĀ was at least 89% of the reason he picked upĀ The Idiotās Guide to DirectingĀ and read it cover to cover. Directing proved that he had snapped out it, Ā that he was done calling DeBeers everyday demanding they a find pink diamond to match J.Lo’s heels. He worked hard to show he was worthy of being taken seriously. Ā But if I were him, I would have just adopted British accent after that shitstorm, because being British=instant respect. You could put me in a room with a 5-year-old British child whoās having an animated conversation with her stuffed animals and Iād still take her more seriously than any American. Luckily, Ben got to keep his native Boston accent (that manages to sound fake when heās acting), and earned back his dignity. But weāll never forgetĀ Bennifer.Ā And I have a feeling neither will Ben.
2. Justin Timberlake + Britney Spears
Once upon a time, in a land whereĀ Paris HiltonĀ was relevant and Von Dutch trucker hats were socially acceptable, a manufactured pop-star named Justin fell in love with a manufactured pop-star named Britney. Britney broke Justinās heart. But his story didnāt end there. He harnessed his grief to launch a solo career, and he now draws on that period of intense emotions in his impressive acting roles. JK!Ā Justinās a GOD-AWFUL actor, and makes me think actors should have to pass a state exam like lawyers to be able to practice their profession. But heās a success, and I think heās embarrassed about having bumpkin Britney on his inventory of girlfriends. Like so embarrassed that heād finance a study to find the cause of Alzheimerās just so he could implant it in our brains and make us forget they dated. But sorry Justin, no disease or head injury or brain worm could inflict enough damage to erase the memory of theĀ matching denim suitsĀ you and Britney wore in 2001. The human brain is just too resilient.
Ā 3.Ā Ryan Gosling + Rachel McAdams
Rachel and Ryan had such tender chemistry inĀ The Notebook, I can’t imagine someone not rooting for them. Well, maybeĀ Charles MansonĀ would be callous to their love, or someone who’s justĀ lost a particularly trying level of Candy Crush. But these two kids were just so endearing. Iām not even a hopeless romantic either. I personally foundĀ The NotebookĀ more nauseating than being on a roller-coaster with food poisoning, and IĀ contend that the sight of lovers kissing should be shown to people with alcohol poisoning to trigger vomiting. But even I was sad when they broke up. I think itās for the best though. Rachel is a saint, and she can do better than someone who inexplicably speaks with a Brooklyn accent despite hailing from California. Good riddance, Ryan. (And good luck not being skinned alive by lady mobs,Ā Eva Mendes).
Ā 4. Johnny Depp + Winona Ryder (See also: Johnny + Kate Moss. Johnny + Vanessa Paradis. Basically Johnny+ anyone but Amber Heard)
Johnny DeppĀ is single-handedly responsible for my inordinate attraction to pirates. He is also responsible for making me short of breath because I canāt stop sighing at his mid-life crisis. Letās recap: heās left the mother of his children,Ā is engaged to a person who wasnāt even able to use a toilet by herself whenĀ Edward ScissorhandsĀ came outĀ and heās hanging with Marilyn Manson like a 14-year-old who just discovered black nail polish. Of additional concern is the fact that the number of scarves Johnny dons at one time seems to correlate exactly with his age (which is now 50). Every day, heās looking more like my new-age aunt who makes homemade bangles out of turquoise and has so many damn wind chimes in her house, youād think thereās a tornado outside. Ugh. I miss the days when Johnny andĀ Winona RyderĀ walked around all dark and brooding like they just had sex to Beethoven in an abandoned haunted house. Wino
5. Taylor Swift + John Mayer
This one doesnāt quite fit the mold, because itās not so much the public that canāt stop talking about their relationshipāitās Taylor Swift. Sheās canāt stop, wonāt stop crooning about her boy problems. I should really add Harry Styles, Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas, and anyone else Taylor has looked at twice onto this list, because if you have a face and Y-chromosome, Taylor will find a way to have a fleeting catastrophic relationship with you and write a Grammy-winning song about it. No male is safe btw. Not even a Google statistician can identify an algorithm to decipher Taylorās type because she chooses such wildly different dudes to date for 1 month and obsesses over for 2 years. I actually like Taylor and sing her songs when I know thereās no one within a 500-foot radius of me, so Iām relieved sheās no longer dating 36-year-old douchehat John Mayer. Keep skewering your exes for our enjoyment, Tay Tay.
6. Kristen Stewart + Robert Pattison
The relationship that tore asunder millions ofĀ young girlsāĀ soccer momsā hearts. Robsten turned WalMart erotica into true love when they hooked up on the set of Twilight. For a time, their souls seemed magnetically pulled into one indivisible unit of intensity. (Meaning, they basically became the same (unshowered) person and wore each otherās ratty clothes like identical twins who refuse to develop distinct identities). Eventually, they had to start buying their own pre-distressed skinny jeans because Kristenās cheated with her married director. But don’t fret, Twi-hards.Ā As recently as a few months ago these two were caughtĀ helplessly pawing each other, which no doubt prompted their PR teams to Google āCan humans safely wear shock collars?ā
7. Nicole Kidman + Tom Cruise
You know when you come across a picture of one of those celebrity wax figures, and for a second, you canāt figure out if what youāre looking at is the statue or the real celebrity? That phenomenon happens every time I see a picture of Nicole Kidman. Is her dermatologist also an avid candle-maker in his spare time or something? I say this not to deride her appearance (the woman is still gorgeous with a Bath and Body Works product for a face), but because I think whatever is in her face could effectively be used in Tom Cruiseās lifts. Hear me out. I own a few insoles myself and Iād be curious to pump āem with whatever Nicoleās sporting for extra comfort and support. I know Tom and Nicole couldnāt make it as lovers, and Iām happy Nicole has found someone who doesnāt need to climb on couches just to prove heās sexually attracted to women. Iām just saying, maybe these two could find common ground after all.
So, there you have it. Will these stars ever transcend their breakups? As long as there are insensitive bloggers like myself to bring it up, probs not. But hey, your friends love to drunkenly blurt out at parties that you sucked your thumb till you were 13, so weāre all sort of in the same boat. The past is a biiiitch.