If you haven’t gotten the memo already, today is Taylor Lautner‘s 22nd birthday, otherwise known as National Let’s Get Naked Day! So we’re disrobing some of Hollywood’s most chiseled and adorable celebrities to celebrate the big naked ceremony. If it were up to me, every hunk on this list would be banned from wearing anything but their bare hotness but we’ll take baby steps for now, one heart attack at a time.
Warning: there will be drool and lots of whipped cream. You’re welcome.
1. Taylor Lautner
Taylor’s no stranger to showing off his gorgeous body, but he is a stranger to wearing shirts (unless it involves ripping them off). I’m still giddy over the fact that I live in the same city where our birthday boy, here, was born. Even though he dated that evil succubus Taylor Swift, he will always occupy a special place in my heart and my bed.
2. Kellan Lutz
I’m still waiting to hear back from Disney about the script I wrote for a Life-Size spin-off. The idea was for Kellan to play the always-almost-naked Ken doll that did absolutely nothing but stand there and look pretty and naked, all of the time. I even made sure his lines were easy to memorize too: “Hi, I’m Ken” and “No, that part is real.” Okay, maybe not suitable for Disney, but maybe Lifetime? I don’t know. I didn’t even ask for a percentage of the profits, just a 24-hour pass into his trailer–totally reasonable, right?
3. Zac Efron
Aside from being a professional tease and the most accredited orgasm instructor in Hollywood (arguably, the universe), Zac’s probably one of the most sexually honest guys around. He’s DTF just about anytime and anywhere, including on the kitchen table. So excuse me while I make room for activities by throwing away all of my two pots and pans, ready the whipped cream and scrape together whatever’s left of that Cherry Garcia in the icebox.
4. Justin Bieber
Witnessing Justin’s puberty was like watching a Pokemon evolve: from Ellen Degeneres’ little sister with a slick perm to Justin Timberlake’s annoyingly-good looking douchebag Mini-Me. Even though I hate thinking about Bieber as much as the next human being, I would be totally kidding myself if I said I never thought about
licking touching his body from time to time, only under the condition that a paper bag be involved on his part.
5. Nick Jonas
If the whole music thing doesn’t work out (which it obviously isn’t), Nick could always take up the profession of exploding tweenage hormones by snapping shirtless selfies for a living. And naturally, I’ll be the first in line. “Hello, I have an appointment with Mr. Grey.”
6. Jesse Metcalfe
Jesse (a.k.a the Jay Z to my Beyonce) has been on my wish list for over a decade now, and I am still waiting on UPS to drop him off naked at my doorstep, covered in white chocolate, dangling a few unspeakable accessories–no questions asked.
7. Chris Evans
I owe losing my visual virginity and my obvious obsession with whipped cream on bare bodies to Not Another Teen Movie. And for that, Chris will be my fave banana split sundae forevs.
8. Ryan Gosling
This is a man who makes pumping gas and walking little doggies around NYC look sexier than foreplay. There’s something about those Ryans: Ryan Lochte, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Phillippe… Ugh, a slew of unattainable gods.
9. Channing Tatum
There comes a time in every person’s life when they will experience all the sexiness and seductiveness Channing has to offer. A time where he will appear unexpectedly in your sleep, wearing his black thong. He will invite you into bed with him, and you will accept the offer (duh) and wake just before the fun begins. This will happen periodically and at random for the rest of your collegiate life, I should know, I have a D in French 101 to show for it.
10. Josh Bowman
Just staring at Bowman for too long may cause serious symptoms such as: drooling at the mouth, heavy breathing and the worst of them all, consecutive wet dreams. Jesus, take the wheel!
11. Dave Franco
More commonly known as my second husband rather than James Franco’s infectious little brother, Davey boy and I are on our way to being the next big thing in Hollywood, just wait for it. As if that smile weren’t already enough to make me melt in my pants like Anastasia Steele, that cat tatt on his chest is a clear indication that he’s a total beast in the sack. Cat lovers are the best lovers, remember that people.
12. Josh Duhamel
Fergie must be the Supreme of voo-doo witchcraft to have kept Josh Duhamel this long let alone to have had a baby by him. Whatever magic she’s hiding down under she needs to share with the rest of the world, so that I may one day be their future home wrecker. I’m kidding, of course.
13. Tom Daley
I don’t understand how I let this sexy Olympian prince slip from my gaydar, it’s usually spot on. Then again, I’ve had a list of celebrity Jake Ryans I wished would to come out of the closet for too long now: Drake, Bradley Cooper and my first hubby Jesse Bradford (I practically melted watching him in Bring It On), to name a few. Come on guys, just do it for me!
Alright, that completes my list of unrequited lovers for now. I’m sure I’ve missed about 1342 other shirtless hunks out there, so feel free to add some of your own.