In news that will make you go, “Whaaat? Huh? That’s… she’s… he’s… when… eh?” Beyonce is rumored to be having an affair with President Barack Obama. That sound you just heard? That’s the sound of rumors officially dying as an art form. If you asked me before this what the rumor to end all rumors would be, I’d probably say, “Oh I don’t know, Beyonce having an affair with President Obama or something.” Thanks to a French photographer, we now have that rumor to keep us warm at night.
Photographer Pascal Rostain claims that the story will be published in the Washington Post tomorrow:
“You know, at this time, the United States, there is something big that is happening… Besides, it’ll go out tomorrow in the Washington Post, we can not say that it is the gutter press [reporting on an] alleged affair between President Barack Obama and Beyoncé. I can assure you that the world will talk about it.”
At this time everyone’s taking the news with the world’s largest grain of salt, once they’ve properly oiled their jaws to make them close. It’s simply too wild a rumor to take seriously, even if Beyonce has spent a lot of time around the Obamas,
lip-syncing performing at the president’s inauguration last year and then again at Michelle Obama’s recent birthday party. It’s also suspicious because French President François Hollande has been facing his own cheating rumors these days.
And of course a Post spokesperson has already said that it’s “definitely not true” that they’re running the story. We should really all breathe a sigh of relief, because if it did turn out to be true, I’m fairly certain the world would just immediately end. That’s not an exaggeration. We’ve already established that Beyonce is God, and if God’s affair with the leader of the free world got out, she would no doubt just smite us all. It would turn out that the Mayans were just off by a year or so, and 2014 marks the actual end of days.
(Photo: Rob Carr/Getty Images)