The Sochi Olympics are just getting started, so there’s theoretically still plenty of time for them to redeem themselves, but somehow we already know it’s gonna be a total shit-show.
There are just so many ways that the little resort town of Sochi, Russia, seems completely unprepared to host an international event, which is particularly embarrassing given that they’ve had six and a half years to prepare. (They were chosen as the host city in July 2007, when the final book in the Harry Potter series was just coming out. In case that gives you a point of reference.) One or two or ten little hiccups in a host city’s preparation are totally understandable, but Sochi just really cannot get it together.
It’s to the point now where we really want to get the adjective ‘sochi’ to catch on — Jenni suggested that, and I swiftly jumped on board because it’s amazing. You can use it to describe something shoddy or hastily thrown together, or as a synonym for ‘bougey’. For example, “Ugh, I kind of want to go to brunch tomorrow, but I feel like no one’s in charge of it. It’s gonna be so sochi.” Or you can say, “I bought a new skirt and I liked it in the store, but now that I got it home I’m realizing it’s pretty sochi.”
Got it? Good. Now here are a few examples of how the Sochi Olympics are already totally sochi — ranging from the annoying to the unbelievable to the full on life-threatening.
1. We haven’t even had the Opening Ceremony yet. This is the only item on this list I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for, but I don’t know it. Why would events start today when the Opening Ceremony doesn’t air until 11:00am tomorrow? What am I missing?
2. A lot of the hotels have no water. Seems like an issue.
My hotel has no water. If restored, the front desk says, “do not use on your face because it contains something very dangerous.” #Sochi2014
— Stacy St. Clair (@StacyStClair) February 4, 2014
3. The water is dangerous. Even the hotels that do have water recommend that you not use it for…y’know…traditional water stuff.
It’s just past 4:30am here. Someone just unlocked, opened my door, saw I was in bed and scurried away without a word. Seems about right.
— Brian Costa (@BrianCostaWSJ) February 5, 2014
4. There aren’t enough hotel rooms. A significant portion of press hotels haven’t been completed yet, so the ones that have are reportedly being very sketchily double-booked.
— Steve Rosenberg (@BBCSteveR) January 20, 2014
5. Toilet neighbors. You didn’t want to make your poops in peace, right? BROTHERHOOD.
6. Homosexuality is not allowed. Which you probably wouldn’t expect, given the close quarters in the bathroom. Especially considering it’s a known fact that once a man sees a penis not his own, he loses all desire for the human vagina and devotes his life to worshiping at the altar of Dionysus, god of homosexuality.
— Sebastien Toutant (@SebToots) February 1, 2014
7. You can’t go fishing in the toilets. Even more bad toilet news. Will it never end?
8. There are surveillance cameras set up in the bathrooms. NOW HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET AWAY WITH MY ILLICIT TOILET-FISHING.
9. They’re poisoning dogs. Because wouldn’t it be embarrassing if one ran onstage during the Opening Ceremony?!?!
10. Shaun White already dropped out of one event. The American gold-medalist in snowboarding elected to drop out of the (first ever) slopestyle event because he was nervous about the course, saying:
“With the practice runs I have taken, even after course modifications and watching fellow athletes get hurt, the potential risk of injury is a bit too much for me to gamble my other Olympics goals on.”
He already jammed his wrist once, and didn’t want to exacerbate an injury that might get in the way of a three-peat in the half pipe. (If he wins this year, Shaun will become the first American ever to get the gold medal three times in the same event.)
11. The downhill skiing course is effed. Three female athletes have been injured while testing the women’s course, citing concerns that a jump is too big. They seem to share Shaun’s fears about courses being dangerous.
12. We’re on high alert for terrorism. Violence has been warned of repeatedly, with CNN sending me a cozy little notification last night that Russian officials are supposed to be on the lookout for bombs hidden in toothpaste tubes. Charming.
13. Only 70% of tickets have been sold. Possibly related to #12.
14. You will be hacked. Pretty much the moment anyone connects to a Russian network, their information is stolen and in some cases, their phone calls recorded.
15. It’s $39 billion over budget. It was originally budgeted at $12 billion, but it’s currently racked up a cost of $51 billion, making it the most expensive Olympics in history.
(Image: Ryan Pierse / Getty Images)