Somebody must have heard my wish when I blew out the candles on my birthday cake last September, because birthday boy George Clooney is embroiled in an epic prank war with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. If I’m being honest, I didn’t wish for that specifically, but I did say, ‘a celebrity interaction that would make me the happiest, please and thank you’, so I’m assuming this is it.
As you may recall, at this year’s Golden Globes, Tina and Amy made him the butt of easily the best joke of the night — maybe the best joke of my life — when they introduced his movie Gravity.
“Gravity is nominated for best film. It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.”
Best. Thing. Ever. But while I was busy squawking laughter and cookie crumbs at my television, George was busy swearing vengeance. Which is actually amazing and much less ominous than it sounds, because Clooney vengeance is basically pranks.
“Well, listen, here’s the thing. It’s a well-crafted joke, I can appreciate that. They have poked the bear with a stick. Oh, they have poked the bear. I don’t want to scare Amy or Tina — I don’t want them to be afraid at all — but, uh, they’ve poked the bear.”
“I’ve already started the ball rolling. I used Matt, sorry.”
He got stationery in Matt’s name and sent a letter to Tina pretending to be him, essentially scolding her for making lazy jokes:
“I send her a letter going, ‘Dear Tina, Listen…’ It’s ‘from’ Matt and it says, ‘Look, it sounds hypocritical because I laughed about jokes about George and Leo, but that’s sort of what people think about them…. But when you call me a garbage man it just seems like low-hanging fruit. It seems like an easy joke. I don’t want an apology or anything else. I just want you to know that my kid now calls me ‘the garbage man.’”
Apparently Tina and Amy both have a long-running rapport going with Matt, so he received two huge fruit baskets last week, one from Tina and one from Amy. And of course he didn’t know about George’s prank, which is hilarious, so he had no idea what was going on. He said the first letter was a long apology letter essentially saying:
“I thought you of all people could take a joke and listen we’re both really sorry.”
Buuutttttt like I said, there was also a second letter, and this one was a little more canny, saying:
“If by chance you didn’t send us that letter and it was from George Clooney, please let him know that you’ve got to get up a little earlier in the day to fool a couple of girls like this. We’re grown-ass comedians.”
Love it. And so did George, who says he already has the next thing lined up for the two grown-ass comedians.
“She said step it up. That’s the appetizer and what’s coming now, the main course, is pretty brutal. This one is one that I have it in my hotel room set — taking pictures and stuff — I’m sitting there like, ‘If I do this, this is downright dirty.’ I have to think if I’m actually going to do it or not.”
Oh please do it. Just please do it, and I’ll count it as my present for the next three Christmases. PLEASE GEORGE.