The star-studded Monuments Men comes out in theaters this weekend and we couldn’t be more excited to watch America’s best-preserved men hang out together. (Here’s looking at you Matt Damon.) Considering that the movie stars George Clooney, we couldn’t help but start thinking about him and his face and who’s sucked his face. Well, contractually sucked his face. Yup, word on the street is that George Clooney contracts girlfriends. Allegedly, of course. As of this very moment, we have no confirmation on that. But rumor has it that if you repeat salacious gossip enough times in a row, it becomes true. So let’s make that happen!
Why would one of the world’s best looking human beings have to pay someone to walk down the red carpet with him? Well, there’s a lot that Ole’ George wants in a woman, and if he has to pay to get that, so be it. There’s no point in being rich if you can’t use your money to have your publicist hand select the perfect partner for you.
What’s that? You want to know how YOU can be his contracted girlfriend? Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. What do I know? Ugh, you and your nonstop quest to get my credentials. Well, I’ll have you know that I’ve studied his past 11 girlfriends and a few things become very clear. 7 things to be exact. So come along with me as we see what DeeDee Pfeiffer, Kelly Preston, Talia Balsam, Kimberly Russell, Karen Duff, Celine Balitran, Krista Allen, Lisa Snowden, Sarah Larson, Elisabetta Canalis, Stacy Keibler all have in common.
Be an up-and-coming actress/model
George loves nothing more than helping aspiring actresses and models shine in the spotlight. For purely selfish reasons of course. You see, an actress/model who’s getting a career boost is an actress/model who’s less likely to go running to the tabloids and spill her contract details.
But preferably one who never comes
No matter how generous George Clooney may be when it comes to helping talented women grow their careers, he’s still first and foremost, an actor. Which means you best not be stealing that spotlight from him while you’re out together. Stick to minor modeling gigs and appearances on cable reality shows and you should be fine.
Look good on his arm
Be pretty. Not inner-beauty pretty, but straight up face-pretty. Also while you’re at it, be in shape. Not like body builder shape, but like Pilates shape. Always appear like you can do a complicated yoga pose at a moment’s notice. And/or go for a light jog.
But not so good that you distract him
Anndd this is where it gets tricky. While you should 100% be good looking, you shouldn’t be better looking that George. No one should ever say that “you’re settling for him.” No matter what, he’s always settling for you. You are lucky to be with him. He’s doing charity by being with you. (Actual charity, I think he can write off this arrangement on his taxes.)
Express no interest in children
At child-bearing age? Well, might want to invest in a muffler for your biological clock. Nothing gets you kicked off the contract faster than expressing an interest in children. If prompted, make sure the reporter knows that you’ve never even discussed the topic. “Kids?” you should say as if you’ve never heard the question, “George and I are just having fun.” Yes, use the word fun a lot.
Or commitment at all.
In addition to children, you should also be opposed to any long term commitment. Or at least be opposed to ever saying it aloud. This is a one – two year contract, five if you’re one of the chosen few. Sure you’ll get a date night squeezed in every once in a while, but please don’t expect anything more than that.
Or heaven forbid, marriage to George Clooney
There’s no bigger slur that you can use around George Clooney than marriage. As the world’s most famous bachelor, he has absolutely no interest in settling down. In fact, he’d rather die a thousand painful deaths than stand at an altar and say “I do.” (Except for one time and that was a fluke.) So if you think you’re going to be the one, you should see a doctor. The only one for George Clooney is George Clooney.
Got all that? Great! Just head on over to Linkedin and submit your application. Rumor has it that he’s looking for a new not-leading lady to come with him to the Oscars.
(Photo: Thomas Janssen, Pacificcoastnews.com)