In a scandal so big and so huge that I’m having trouble wrapping my fallopian tubes around it, a stylist accused David Beckham of stuffing his underwear for his infamous H&M ad campaign. You know, the one where he’s running around in his underwear, without a care in the world.
According to an on-set stylist (and gossip!), the soccer player had to enhance his package. Which I personally find worse than any photoshop scandal on the cover of a lady mag. Those ads changed the way I look at penises. I’ve turned into Goldilocks around men. Except no man is the right size for me because I’m comparing them all to Beckham. “Too small!” I yell from my bedroom over and over again. (What can I say, I run a penis parade in my off time)
The purported source adds, “In order to make the bulge look so pronounced in the photos, David’s underwear has to be carefully stuffed and padded to create the illusion.”
Obviously his rep’s denying these charges to Gossip Cop. A site that’s known around the Interweb as being the first place to go if you want to deny something about your client without having to answer any follow-up questions.
Gossip Cop: Your client’s been accused of doing meth and then having sex with monkeys. (Plays with handcuffs menacingly)
Celebrity Rep: That is false.
Gossip Cop: EXCELLENT! WE’LL REPORT THE NEWS AT ONCE!
While we’ll probably go to our graves never knowing the truth about the alleged package packing, we’ll likely be tortured by the thought of it for the rest of our days. After all, if David Beckham’s penis isn’t real, what is?