• Tue, Feb 4 - 12:03 pm ET

18 Times I Didn’t Understand The Bachelor Because I Grew Up With A Gay Parent

Juan Pablo Galavis (The Bachelor season 18) dancing in his car GIFMan, these comprehension problems from growing up with a gay parent just don’t go away, do they? Every week I set out to watch The Bachelor again, sure that this will be the night when I can finally throw off the confusing mantle of homosexuality and understand a full episode…but it never is.

Either this show and the people on it don’t make sense, or Juan Pablo Galavis is right, and I’ve been crippled for life by my exposure to same-sex relationships as a child. And since obvi The Bachelor is high-quality programming that comes from a realistic, rational place, the problem is obviously with me. Sigh.

Here are the eighteen things that baffled my poor, exploited brain canals this week.

  1. How the girls all knew to wear a scarf on the first day in Vietnam. Was there a memo??
  2. That Renee knows she likes Juan Pablo because, ”He kinda makes my hands hurt a little bit.” Had no idea that was a thing.
  3. Why the girls all said, “Okay bye! cute shorts!” as Renee was leaving for her one-on-one when REALLY THEY PROBABLY DID NOT LIKE HER SHORTS AT ALL.
  4. Why Juan Pablo is wheeling Renee around in a bicycle stroller.
  5. They both keep saying that this is such a good date, but it really does not seem like a good date at all. Perhaps I am missing something?
  6. I wonder how long it takes to go through that hugging line routine on every group date.
  7. With eleven girls left, how the hell is Nikki already so cocky that she said, ”If I were to go on another group date…I might not get the rose on a group date…but that would just be stupid, because I always do.”
  8. When Cassandra said about Vietnam, “It’s a big community and everyone works together, and I was telling the girls — we could have something like this in America!” I must be confused, because I thought Karl Marx was still required reading in high school. You’re describing communism, girl.
  9. Why is Alli still here? This is like the second time I’ve ever seen her.
  10. Does Clare have the capability to relax her face, or is this a choice?
  11. What does it possibly mean when Sharleen says, “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.” Are the girls all bears?? I THOUGHT THEY WERE HUMANS.
  12. …did Clare and Juan Pablo have sex in the ocean? No really, did they?
  13. What theater camp did Nikki think she was going to be teaching at today in that cave-date outfit?
  14. Am I the only person who notices that Nikki never makes eye contact with Juan Pablo while they’re talking? My TV makes it look like she just stares straight ahead, but that’s weird so I’m probs wrong.
  15. Hey wait! When that boat full of brightly-dressed women drew up on shore, I finally understood the phrase ‘a bevy of beauties’ for the first time. That’s the only thing I’ve comprehended this entire episode.
  16. How many times is Renee planning on saying the phrase, “This is a perfect place for a first kiss.”
  17. Why Juan Pablo would tell Clare that he’s embarrassed for his daughter to see the night they spent together and not expect her to be upset by that.
  18. Why Danielle said, “Thank you so much for this experience,” to Juan Pablo. He didn’t cast you, he never took you on a one-on-one date, and he didn’t pay for you to be here. He eliminated you.

Boy, what a workout for my silly old brain! Better luck next week, huh?

But I can tell you this: Renee, Clare, and Nikki were safe already from receiving roses, and Sharleen, Cassandra, ChelsieKat, and Andi got roses during the Rose Ceremony.

Meaning that Danielle, Alli, and Kelly were all sent home. But at least this means that Kelly can get back to her lucrative job as a dog lover! I don’t know how the business community was even functioning without her!

(Image: Tumblr)

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  • Ria

    I actually felt a tiny bit badly for Clare. Juan Pablo can’t keep his mouth off her every time they’re together yet she makes a bold move and he shames her for it?

    Nikki’s gorgeous but if I had to guess right now, it seems like Clare has it in the bag despite the ocean night swim thing.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      My guess is that Juan Pablo got in trouble with producers for making it so obvious who his frontrunner was.

    • Ria

      Hmmmm, good theory! On a side note, if gay parents are so bad then why do I wish I could trade my straight, divorced, yet still bitter 25 years later, parents in for Mitchell and Cameron:(

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Haha yup!

  • HB

    I grew up with straight parents and none of that stuff made sense to me.

    Also, Clare and Juan Pablo probably shouldn’t have gone behind the other girls’ backs and done it in the ocean, but he shouldn’t have made her feel bad about it afterward.

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