Congratulations To Danielle And Kevin Jonas On Their New Baby™, Exploited At Birth

Danielle jonas and her new baby Alena Rose Jonas sponsored by Dreft February 2014Congratulations to Danielle and Kevin Jonas, who yesterday welcomed into the world their brand new baby! Oh no, actually, I’m getting word that it wasn’t a baby at all; it was a brand new sponsorship. My mistake. Yesterday at 9:04am EST, Kevin tweeted out a message to all of his followers that #babyjonas (hashtag included, obviously) was on her way. And then at 11:42am, he updated everyone that labor had started, and the game was officially afoot.

And then of course he moved the situation over to Instagram, posting a photo of Danielle’s supposed medical chart, just so that you’d have to be following him on multiple platforms to keep up.

And naturally Danielle didn’t want to miss out either, as I’m assuming she had very little to do during the entire delivery process (if you haven’t read the latest on my conspiracy theory that she didn’t carry this child, you can check it out here) and could twiddle around on social media as much as she liked. Including posting this photo of Kevin sleeping during the birth of his first child. You can’t stay awake for the six hours and ten minutes that your wife was supposedly pushing? Yeah right bro.

Especially considering according to this photo posted by Danielle’s mom, Angela Deleasa, the entire group was hanging out in the lobby at the same time. Aka no one was back there with Danielle. How odd.

But anyway, that’s the most in-depth photos and information that the ‘expectant parents’ were able to share, because for the main event, we were directed over to the Twitter for Dreft…which is a laundry detergent.

They have an app called Amazing Baby Days, and apparently Kevin and Danielle sold them the rights to the birth. Like they signed away the right to be able to introduce their own kid to the world. Which doesn’t sound like a real thing but totally must be because THEY WERE LIVE-TWEETING IT MOMENT TO MOMENT. Not the parents — Dreft.

If ‘star’ is what you call it when you’re exploited before you’re even an hour old, then YES! Baby Jonas is a huge star!

…what does that even mean?

Are you? Why?

How? Are you there?? And finally, the money shot.

I’m not even gonna get started on the fact that Danielle wore her biggest, brightest diamond earrings to the biggest workout of her life, and that there’s no way that face belongs to a vagina that pushed a human being out of it today. Nor was that hair at her temples sweated into for even a moment, and my GOD that baby has long fingernails, wide-open eyes, and un-mottled skin considering it was born mere moments ago, on SUPER BOWL SUNDAY.

A day when no one is really watching the media. It’s almost like she was born last week and kept under wraps until the family found the perfect moment to announce her birth under the radar and simultaneously make a quick buck off of it. WHAT A MIRACLE. But putting that aside — okay sure. Why not? Why wouldn’t you farm out the ‘birth’ of your ‘child’ to a laundry detergent company? What a totally normal thing to do. Whenever I’m about to have something monumental happen, I make sure to let someone else in the Twitter-verse tell everyone all about it. After all, it’s not a special occasion if you don’t involve a stranger!

So congratulations to the Jonases on their new baby world record for fastest exploitation of a human being. Ya gotta start ‘em early.

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    • PaulaJ

      She faked it and anyone who’s had a baby themselves would know it. Even skinny girls get just a slight bit of rounding in their face – her ANKLES aren’t even swollen and that affects every.single.pregnant.woman.ever. When I was pregnant – it all went to my belly too but my boobs, feet, and face got fat. As far as her looking perfect? I went to the hospital with an overnight bag full of clothes, hair and makeup stuff, lotions and whatnot – I even brought a few DVDs with me to watch on my laptop…..to this day I laugh at that cuz I CLEARLY had no clue what I was in for…and the nurses were kind enough to roll their eyes at me too. But let me tell you – after going through labor for nearly 24 hours, pushing for 2.5, and ending up having an emergency c-section? You could have stowed away all that crap I brought in the bags under my eyes. Talk about a hot mess! That beezy didn’t even break a sweat – well maybe waiting for the OTHER MOTHER to give birth….pfffffft.

      • elle

        Truth. I gained very little weight but my boobs got so huge, my ankles got so swollen and my face was a little rounder. I don’t even want to talk after birth bug let’s

      • elle

        Oops didn’t finish. But let’s just say hot mess would be an apt description.

      • Cassandra Garffie

        yeah, her nose should have gotten huge

    • Jen

      No offense but has the author of this post ever seen an hours old newborn? Many babies are born with near perfect skin; baby acne appears a few weeks later as hormones shift. My son was born with fingernails long enough to scratch his face which is not uncommon — the pregnancy/baby forum I visited suggested bringing baby nail clippers to the hospital because this is so common. Babies are often very awake and alert for the first hour or two after birth before they hit the sleepy newborn stage — and even during the sleepy stage they occasionally open their eyes ;) Plus, I doubt this picture was taken immediately after birth — I’m guessing someone touched up mom’s hair and make up first :)

      As for the husband sleeping… Eh, not what everyone would choose to do, but if mom had an epidural, labor can be pretty boring until it’s time to push! I was in labor overnight, and before I got the epidural I was obviously in a lot of pain, my husband was very anxious… But when I finally got the epidural at 1 am, we were both able to get a much needed hour of sleep before it was time to push! (Btw, I REALLY doubt she was pushing for 6 hours! Most doctors won’t let you push that long — for many women most of the time spent in labor is just waiting until you dilate to 10 cm then you can push!)

      As for the first post… Babies can look amazingly developed on early ultrasounds (I had several due to complications!). Gender can be guessed on ultrasounds as early as 12 weeks (google “nub theory”), although 18+ weeks is more accurate. Some women really do only gain weight in their belly and still have skinny arms and legs. (I was like that — between morning sickness and having to follow a healthy gestational diabetes diet, I hardly gained any weight!). Pregnancy bellies often look the same for weeks then suddenly “pop” and look larger due to any number of factors — baby growth spurt, baby changes position, hormonal bloat changes… And the picture that supposedly shows the edge of her fake belly could easily just be a wrinkle in full-panel maternity pants.

      I could care less whether the Jonases faked the pregnancy, although I agree that the whole Dreft sponsorship is weird! I just get annoyed when people overly criticize perfectly normal baby/pregnancy things!

      • Ashlynn

        I was waiting for someone to say this! None of us were in the delivery room with them. We don’t know if they really took the photo RIGHT after she was born. It’s pathetic to dig so far deep into something that doesn’t need to be dug into. God forbid people are happy for another couple.

    • mc

      There have been so many things out of place about this “pregnancy” and now “delivery.” Call me superstitious but so many things can go wrong in delivery I cannot imagine telling the world what stage of labor I was in, or letting my husband do so. That is why most people wait to tell their extended friends and family, and in a celebrities case, the general public, until after the baby is born and mom and baby are doing well. Unless of course the baby has already been born before the trip to the hospital even starts!

      Another thing that strikes me from this baby picture is the yellow blanket…is that EXTRA special pimpage for Dreft? Because every hospital in the US uses the SAME white blanket with blue and pink stripes on the ends. Every newborn picture I’ve ever seen from a hospital birth, the baby is in that same blanket. Except Baby Jonas.

      And as pointed out in the article…my that baby’s skin is perfect. Not a mark on her!! Even C-section babies do not look that perfect. Oh yeah and that baby’s hands should definitely been wrapped up with those fingernails. If this photo was taking a while after the “birth” for mommy to get all fancied up, that should have been taken care of as well. It’s like they wanted the appearance of the child having just being delivered, but failed, as they have many times, throughout the last 6-7 months.

      • Ria

        I had all 3 of mine via c-section, my first looked absolutely perfect. He was flawless. My 2nd had that millia thing with all the white pimples on his face so he didn’t look so good, my 3rd had a cone on his head from labor starting prior to the c-section, so there’s no cut and dry thing with c-section babies.

        With that said, I think there’s something really fishy about the Jonas pregnancy! Just too many weird things.

    • Myndee

      Anyone else catch the DOB on the ECG? It’s wrong….

    • NotPleased

      She just doesn’t look happy in that photo. That is not the way you look to your newborn first baby

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    • Just sayin’

      I certainly don’t disagree with how fishy this all has been. However … a few things that seem like such ‘proof’ are big time stretches to me. I have a good friend who insisted that pictures wait until she could clean up a bit – the rest of us with new babies were AMAZED at her appearance – she did not look like she’d just given birth. (I had 3.5 hours of pushing and had to wait a full 24 hours for a shower – I was hot mess for awhile – there are pictures, but you can be damn sure no one gets to see those!!) If Danielle wanted to wait to be cleaned up (knowing the picture would go on blast), that gives time for the baby to get cleaned up as well. Babies do open their eyes. And some even have fingernails. You can actually see a little bit of the white stuff on the baby’s arm … real or not, it looks like the goop on newborns.
      And I wore my diamond earrings during labor and delivery. I rarely take them off, and no one asked me to.
      I still think all of this is so strange, I just wanted to point out a few things.

    • Dexychik

      This is my new favourite conspiracy. Long fingernails aren’t unusual with an overdue baby…but that baby doesn’t look overdue. No visible vernix (though I know in the US, babies are cleaned up first), no wrinkles, no skin cracks.

      But the main thing that I’m interested in is why does her doppler have the wrong date of birth on, and no GA or EDD? And what does the screen underneath say, because it’s date stamped 31st January…

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        What are GA and EDD?

      • JWeasly

        EDD – Estimated Due Date, GA – Gestational age
        Odd that neither are there ;)

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Ah gotcha! Thanks!

      • Véronique Houde

        There seems to be a little bit of vernix left on her arm… but that’s definitely not normal for a baby just out of the womb – considering you’re not supposed to scrub the stuff off

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    • Gigi

      Don’t really agree with the sponsorship. I just think the birth of a child is so sacred. As for the long fingernails, my nephew had crazy long nails when he came out, although he was a little over baked,hehe……a couple weeks late. I think she’s definitely theirs biologically, you can see the resemblance, as for whether or not they had a surrogate, I’m not 100% convinced they didn’t.

    • LauraO

      She put up a new photo of the baby and she looks a lot like Kevin. How are you going to make that pic seem like she faked here pregnancy? It’s pathetic that someone would say something about someone just because they’re famous. Yeah I saw all your posts and if you were ever pregnant you’d know that your belly changes on a day to day basis. I didn’t start showing until I was 5 months. My babies ultra sounds look just like hers did. She probably didn’t take the pic of her and the baby right after she had her. They have to weigh the baby and clean them off. Plus she probably had people there to help her fix her hair and make up. Another thing my son had his eyes wide open and even smiled at me right after I had him. Also babies finger nails grow in the womb so some come out with really long nails. And for the pic with Kevin and the baby he was probably scared he was gonna drop her or something. Most first time fathers get nervous and scared that they’re gonna squish or drop the baby

    • Alyssa Marie

      i think she was pregnant and the baby is theirs, because she does look like kevin, i just think she wasnt born on Sunday, ithink she was at least a week old when all these pics were taken. Plus, i think there already horrible parents considering they’re exploiting their daughter and she isnt even a month old!!!

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    • JM

      With my son I only gained weight in my belly and actually LOST weight everywhere else, my butt, hips arms and legs got skinnier than they had ever been in my whole life… I lost all the weight pluse about 10 more within about 8 weeks without even trying, only lots of breast feeding. Being pregnant with my son was very good to my body. My daughters pregnancy was the complete opposite, I gained weight everywhere and had a much harder time losing it, even though she was also breast fed. So as I always say, every single woman on earth carries a pregnancy differently, even the same woman will carry two pregnancies very differently, I’m proof. So it’s ridiculous to compare any pregnant woman to another. That’s my first point.

      Second, with my son they made me remove all my jewelry with my daughter they did not. I had my diamond studs and wedding band on during my entire labor and birth. So the picture of her with her earrings on isn’t exactly incriminating.

      Third, I honestly didn’t sweat much either time, and really didn’t sweat on my head much at all, my back mostly got sweaty. I had people ask me if my kids were stunt babies because I looked so great after giving birth! Lol! I even still had some makeup on after 15 and 12 hours of labor. And yes I did it the old fashioned way, pushed them out with no drugs. So again, not a fair assessment.B

      Also, both of my kids were born with long nails because they were each a week late. Also, they were both very alert after being born. Especially my daughter, she cried, opened her eyes and immedtly started nursing within 5 minutes of being born. So there goes that theory.

    • JM

      While I certainly believe they could have faked their pregnancy/birth, crazy things happen in Hollyweird, I don’t think it’s fair to make such assessments based on the authors own experience of being pregnant. No two pregnancies should ever be compared.

    • Samantha

      I don’t care either way nor do I really think it matters that much but I do have a couple things I’d like to point out. That skin colour of the baby is not really a telling sign, I had a friend give birth to twins a couple years ago, both parents are white, like SUPER white and one of the twins was born looking native, dark hair, dark skin. And given that now the twins are… As you would expect, identical and quite pale like their parents I think it’s safe to say that sometimes it happens. Knowing that the baby photos would be everywhere she was probably touched up and the photo was likely taken hours after Alena was born. Long fingernails are actually fairly common in newborns, not everyone gets huge when they get pregnant, my mom looked completely normal (and I mean completely, no weight gain no bloating nothing) during her first pregnancy, she didn’t even look pregnant until she was just over a month from her due date. Also the look of a pregnancy belly will change from day to day as the baby moves around, completely normal. If she was resting after an epidural it’s not hard to believe that Kevin may have taken a nap and or stopped to update his family. This article is bogus and they deserve a little respect come on people.

      But the whole sponsored birth thing… Yeah that’s definitely creepy.