For as long as I can remember, I’ve hated football. With the exception of Super Bowl dips, there’s just nothing about the sport that interests me at all. But to be fair, there’s nothing about any sport that interests me at all. Unfortunately most people don’t feel the same way I do. Which means that every year around Super Bowl time, I get sucked into conversations about football. And since I don’t know anything about the actual sport, I end up having to rely on all my football movie knowledge to contribute to the conversation. The problem is that with the exception of a literal football, the actual sport tends to have very little in common with the movies I reference as factual anecdotes.
So with that in mind, I give you everything I know about football that apparently is not at all useful when it comes to talking about football.
There’s no coach like an unqualified coach.
Meet Leigh Anne Tuohy. She’s never coached a game of football in her life. But goshdarnit, she loves the sport. LOVES IT! That’s why she’s allowed to march onto the field and tell the coach how to coach. Sometimes passion’s more important than experience. “B-b-but, isn’t the coach passionate too because it’s his job?” Um, rule #1 in football movies, parents are ALWAYS the most passionate.
The best way to motivate a team is through song and music
So your team’s having some (racially-motivated) reasons for not getting along? Well, there’s nothing like a little choreographed routine to get them seeing eye to eye. A few moves in and they’ll be putting all their (racially-motivated) differences behind them and winning every game. The other (racist) team doesn’t stand a chance.
Dogs are surprisingly good receivers
Especially if they’re golden. What IS a receiver? I don’t know exactly. But I can conclude that it’s a position that requires no hands and that it’s a position that gives you time to sniff the field and poop if needed. As far as I know quarterbacks don’t have that luxury.
Girls have to choose whether they want to be cheerleaders or football players
One of the less talked about parts of puberty is the part where a girl must decide if she’ll be a cheerleader or a football player. While it’s technically possible to do both, pediatricians recommend that girls choose one or the other. Ideally within a month of having their first period. Otherwise, they’ll never fully know if they’re allowed to be popular (a Becky) or an outcast (Icebox).
You should pick an agent who has no impulse control
If you’re an up and coming football player who’s trying to become a big deal, trust the guy who left his job on a whim. Because impulse control is for losers. Ignore the fact that this dude’s on the verge of a emotional breakdown and just focus on the fact that he NEEDS you to succeed to pay his rent.
The underdog will always win
The more ragtag a team, the more of a chance it has to win. Sure, it will lose the the first game. But after an incredibly inspirational speech from an unqualified coach that’s full of empty metaphors, the ragtaggers will somehow gain the ability to play the sport and work together as a team. They will inevitably win the championship game. Which the entire team/state/country’s rallies around because who doesn’t love an underdog story!? Sorry qualified team who worked to hard to get where you are, but you got no chance against a buncha kids who can’t catch a ball.