Update: seems like they found a baby somewhere! And she’s already making them money.
If you read Crushable on the regular, it will come as no surprise to you that I’m not convinced Danielle and Kevin Jonas didn’t fake their pregnancy, because I’ve been writing about it nonstop for months now. But if you haven’t read this site before — welcome! — and you better sit down and buckle up, because I’m about to unveil quite the conspiracy theory, documented with some photographic evidence so you can come to your own conclusions. Although I recommend just hopping aboard mine, because I give this way too much thought. (I’M A MONSTER.)
July 9th. The pregnancy is announced.
August 6th. The first sonogram is released, via Danielle’s Instagram. That’s…a pretty developed head, ladies and gentlemen. When I showed it to a friend who’s had three kids herself, she guessed this kid was 26 weeks along. “Am I right??” she asked? I hope not, because if you are, Danielle is currently 51 weeks along…which would make her almost twelve months pregnant.
Given that she hasn’t popped a baby out yet and this was over 25 weeks ago, we’re supposed to believe that this little biscuit is only 15 weeks old. Mmmkay.
August 29th. A second ultrasound is shared, as is the sex of the baby (a girl!), something that you can’t typically find out until 18-22 weeks into a pregnancy. Remember this, because we’re coming back to it later.
September 10th. Danielle posts this photo to her Instagram, three months after the birth announcement and over a month after the first sonogram, looking zero percent pregnant.
October 7th. The first photo posted of Danielle showing really any sign of a bump.
October 17th. Blind Gossip alleges that Danielle is faking her pregnancy.
October 24th. Later that month, she posts a collage of herself with decidedly more growth, but still not as pregnant as I’d expect, given her timeline. I speculate that she might’ve worn the wrong belly to the gym.
November 4th. Danielle goes back to looking not really that pregnant at all on a night out with Kevin.
November 13th. Danielle and Kevin cover Fit Pregnancy in a photo shoot that Blind Gossip later covered, with an employee giving an interview saying it was super awkward that all the employees had to pretend like the couple was really expecting.
November 18th. And the return of the belly to sew some baby clothes for the camera.
November 23rd. Looking a little bulkier in front of the mantelpiece, although it might just be the sweater.
December 4th. Back to the gym with skinny arms and skinny legs.
December 13th. Looks like were boosting up to the next size! Ever notice how she or Kevin or whoever are holding up the belly in every photo they take together?
December 28th. OOPS YOUR BELLY. You accidentally lost it at the gym! That is apparently a really tricksy place for bellies.
January 7th. But there it is, you found it! And less than two weeks later! I guess we didn’t have an in-between belly ready, because we jumped straight from medium to large to medium and back to large again.
January 9th. Bless this belly, for it has sinned.
January 14th. A fan, @jessgorman42, posts this photo to Twitter, and a commenter on Crushable alleges that you can see where the fake belly comes away from Danielle’s body on the top left side. Definitely suspicious.
*It’s been revealed to me in the comments that this was probably just done with a Doppler fetal monitor, which allows you to hear the heartbeat without broadcasting an image. But still.
January 15th. This belly must be fancy because it has a real live bellybutton on it. #highrollers.
January 19th. Still pretty floppy though, if you don’t support it correctly. See how it melts into the couch!
January 24th. And finally — no. Absolutely not. This is supposedly over a week after that mirror selfie in the gray shirt, and where is your belly, girl? Where has it gone to? You’re supposed to be nine months pregnant!
January 30th. The final day in the window that I gave Danielle and Kevin’s pregnancy. If she gestates for nine months like I’m pretty sure humans still do, she should’ve given birth yesterday. And knowing Danielle and her love of social media, if she was even one day late or confined to bed rest or anything, don’t you think she’d be tweeting, Instagramming, and interviewing up a storm? And yet — crickets.
February 6th. The alleged due date — moved from the original due date which was ‘early in the new year’. Based on the timeline and photos that I just laid out, she’ll be between 41 and 45 weeks along at that point.
February 2nd. The actual ‘birth date’, according to tweets and a photo posted with a not-at-all-sweaty Danielle in full make-up and jewelry with an infant in her arms who already has her eyes open. OKAY.
February 5th. Dreft, the apparent owners of this baby, allow Kevin to hold Alena Rose for a moment so they can upload a photo of him looking like a man holding a grenade instead of a human child whose creation he contributed to.
Congratulations, guys! Now that you found a kid, you better get to work milking this opportunity for all you’ve got!