• Fri, Jan 31 - 12:00 pm ET

14 Celebrity Memoirs That Got Written Way Too Soon

Mila Kunis Relax

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I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Olympic medalist Gabby Douglas’ autobiographical movie, Go Gold or Go Home, is premiering on Lifetime this Sunday. It’s about how she overcame tough times to get to the London Olympics, where she went gold while everyone else got stuck with the other option by default. Do you know what else was all about Gabby’s triumph in the face of adversity and how everyone should follow all of their dreams and blah blah blah? That handy dandy little memoir that she wrote only a handful of months after her big Olympic success.

And I think that it’s not unfair to say that it’s a little ridiculous that, by age 18, she already has two separate records of her relatively short life story. Yes, she is an accomplished Olympian, which is more than many humans have done by her age, which is mall-loiter and scowl. But, at the risk of sounding like a “get off my lawn, you rascals” old person, I don’t know how much we need so many autobiographical accounts of a just-barely 18 year-old’s life because she can flip real nice. But you know who’s totally on Gabby’s side in this issue? These 14 other celebs, who would never dream of depriving the masses of their life stories. And, while it would’ve made lots more sense if they’d all just waited a second before tossing their life’s tales out there, they jumped the shark (just before jumping the gun) and now they have a new home on this list.

1. Gabby Douglas 

Gabby Douglas Believe Premiere Los Angeles CA December 18 2013

(Photo: Pacific Coast News)

The Memoir: Grace, Gold, and Glory: My Leap of Faith (2012)

When It Should’ve Been Written: After she could rent a car or, at least, could order a drink at an American bar without getting a side eye from the bartender. Age isn’t exactly everything, but this book was published when Gabby was just 16 years old and, Olympian or not, exactly how much life experience are we expected to believe she had by then?

2. Britney Spears

Britney Spears Los Angeles California July 28 2013

 (Photo: Thomas Janssen/Pacific Coast News)

The Memoir: Heart to Heart (2000)

When It Should’ve Been Written: 2007. Girl missed the mark by just 7 years, when we could’ve been treated to a detailed account of her very public meltdown and then her road to recovery.

3. Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus Grammys Pre Party January 25 2013 Los Angeles CA

(Photo: BSI, jbm1005 Xclusive/Pacific Coast News)

The Memoir: Miles To Go (2009)

When It Should’ve Been Written: Right now, right this second. I don’t mean to be bossy, but get on it now, Miley. There’s a whole market of people who’d be willing to read all about your odd little movement that you like to tell MTV about.

4. Mindy Kaling

Mindy Kaling Los Angeles California SAG Awards January 18 2014

(Photo: Celebrity Monitor/Pacific Coast News)

The Memoir: Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) (2011) 

When It Should’ve Been Written: If she would’ve just waited one year to put this out, she could’ve made her book even more eerily identical to Tina Fey’s Bossypants by talking about what it’s like to have her very own TV show. But, alas, we were only treated to stories about bad haircuts and being a weird kid. Oh wait, no, that was just Bossypants that I was thinking of again.

5. Simon Cowell

Simon Cowell November 19 2013 Los Angeles California

 (Photo: Celebrity Monitor/Pacific Coast News)

The Memoir: I Don’t Mean to Be Rude, But…: Backstage Gossip from American Idol & the Secrets that Can Make You a Star (2003)

When It Should’ve Been Written: Simon doesn’t know this yet, but no one actually cares about backstage secrets from American Idol. But I’m willing to bet a lot of people would be down to read about the backstage secrets of that affair that he had with his best friend’s wife, with whom he fathered a baby and started a relationship (in that order).

6. Tori Spelling

Tori Spelling Los Angeles California December 4 2013

 (Photo: Anthony Monterotti/Pacific Coast News)

The Memoir: Spelling It Like It Is (2013)

When It Should’ve Been Written: Some time in the future, when the rumors about Dean McDermott cheating on her are resolved. Everyone loves a juicy story about adultery and I’m not saying that they’ll turn out to be true, but I’m not not saying it either.

7. Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber American Music Awards November 18 2012 Los Angeles California

(Photo: Thomas Janssen/Pacific Coast News)

The Memoir: Justin Bieber: Just Getting Started (2012)

When It Should’ve Been Written: Um, hello! After his most recent drama that will go down in history as the most deserved arrest to ever start with a carton of eggs. He has also threatened retirement, dated a famous actress who is now dating his clone, and had many a public brawl, which I think would make for some nice chapter filler.

8. Pattie Mallette 

Pattie Mallette March 17 2011 London England UK

(Photo: Optic Photos/Pacific Coast News)

The Memoir: Nowhere But Up (2012)

When It Should’ve Been Written: Any day now, really. Justin will probably do a few more controversial things before he seeks help from a profesh, so Pattie can take the opportunity to cash in on her kid just a teensy bit further.

9. Ke$ha

Kesha Los Angeles November 18 2012 American Music Awards

(Photo: Thomas Janssen/Pacific Coast News)

The Memoir: My Crazy Beautiful Life

When It Should’ve Been Written: The moment she gets out of rehab for her struggles caused by her douchey producer. Although, honestly, this just opens a window for her to make money off of the experience by writing a second book.

10. One Direction

One Direction New York City NY August 25 2013 MTV VMAs

(Photo: AO Images/PacificCoastNews)

The Memoir: Where We Are: Our Band, Our Story 100% Official (2013)

When It Should’ve Been Written: When they’ve got some more accomplishments under their belts. Look, I harbor a secret love for The Harry Styles Band One Direction as much as the next girl, but even I will admit that there’s absolutely no reason for them to have three memoirs already. Yes, you’d better believe that they’ve come out with one every year since winning The X-Factor and it’s out of control.

11. Vinny Guadagnino

Vinny Guadagnino New York City August 23 2013

(Photo: Jose Perez/Pacific Coast News)

The Memoir: Control the Crazy: My Plan to Stop Stressing, Avoid Drama, and Maintain Inner Cool (2012)

When It Should’ve Been Written: It’s still up in the air right now, but I’m thinking he’ll be golden as soon as he can get the world to stop thinking of him as Jersey Shore’s resident eyebrow guy. Your day will come Mr. Brows, your day will come.

12. The Wanted

The Wanted New York City NY November 7 2013

(Photo: Dan Callister/Pacific Coast News)

The Memoir: 100% Official: Our Story, Our Way (2012)

When It Should’ve Been Written: Maybe after they’d broken up, but also maybe never. After all, you can only say so much about being in One Direction’s mini-me band. And, speaking of 1D, what is actually up with their book title being almost exactly the same as The Wanted’s?

13. Kris Jenner

Kris Jenner Las Vegas Nevada October 26 2013

(Photo: CPA/Pacific Coast News)

The Memoir: Kris Jenner . . . And All Things Kardashian (2012)

When It Should’ve Been Written: Once actual famous people started acknowledging Kris as a fellow celebrity. Because I would imagine that nothing gets books off the shelves faster than stories about what it’s like being BFFs with Beyoncé.

14. Paula Deen

Paula Deen December 5 2011 New York City NY

(Photo: Pacific Coast News)

The Memoir: Paula Deen: It Ain’t All About The Cookin’ (2007)

When It Should’ve Been Written: After she accidentally revealed to the world that she was insanely racist because everyone knows that sex and controversy sell.

Share This Post:
  • Jenni

    Can’t believe Miley Cyrus wrote a book in 2009. Everything about her has changed.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Everything is different now.

    • Olivia Wilson

      Tell me about it. She was probably genuinely partying with her pal Molly instead of her *pal* Molly.

    • Olivia Wilson

      Yeah, that was when she still was Hannah Montana, before she killed her on SNL.