I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Olympic medalistÂ Gabby Douglas’ autobiographical movie, Go Gold or Go Home, is premiering on Lifetime this Sunday. It’s about how she overcame tough times to get to the London Olympics, where she went gold while everyone else got stuck with the other option by default. Do you know what else was all about Gabby’s triumph in the face of adversity and how everyone should follow all of their dreams and blah blah blah? ThatÂ handy dandy little memoir that she wrote only a handful of months after her big Olympic success.
And I think that it’s not unfair to say that it’s a little ridiculous that, by age 18, she already hasÂ twoÂ separate records of her relatively short life story. Yes, she is an accomplished Olympian, which is more than many humans have done by her age, which is mall-loiter and scowl. But, at the risk of sounding like a “get off my lawn, you rascals” old person, I don’t know how much we need so many autobiographical accounts of a just-barely 18 year-old’s life because she can flip real nice. But you know who’s totally on Gabby’s side in this issue? These 14 other celebs, who would never dream of depriving the masses of their life stories. And, while it would’ve made lots more sense if they’d all just waited a second before tossing their life’s tales out there, they jumped the shark (just before jumping the gun) and now they have a new home on this list.
1. Gabby DouglasÂ
(Photo: Pacific Coast News)
The Memoir: Grace, Gold, and Glory: My Leap of FaithÂ (2012)
When It Should’ve Been Written:Â After she could rent a car or, at least, could order a drink at an American bar without getting a side eye from the bartender.Â Age isn’t exactly everything, but this book was published when Gabby was just 16 years old and, Olympian or not, exactly how much life experience are we expected to believe she had by then?
2.Â Britney Spears
Â (Photo: Thomas Janssen/Pacific Coast News)
The Memoir:Â Heart to Heart (2000)
When It Should’ve Been Written: 2007. Girl missed the mark by just 7 years, when we could’ve been treated to a detailed account of her very public meltdown and then her road to recovery.
3. Miley Cyrus
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The Memoir: Miles To Go (2009)
When It Should’ve Been Written:Â Right now, right this second. I don’t mean to be bossy, but get on it now, Miley. There’s a whole market of people who’d be willing to read all about your odd little movement that you like to tell MTV about.
4.Â Mindy Kaling
(Photo: Celebrity Monitor/Pacific Coast News)
The Memoir:Â Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)Â (2011)Â
When It Should’ve Been Written: If she would’ve just waited one year to put this out, she could’ve made her book even more eerily identical toÂ Tina Fey’sÂ BossypantsÂ by talking about what it’s like to have her very own TV show. But, alas, we were only treated to stories about bad haircuts and being a weird kid. Oh wait, no, that was justÂ BossypantsÂ that I was thinking of again.
5. Simon Cowell
Â (Photo: Celebrity Monitor/Pacific Coast News)
The Memoir: I Don’t Mean to Be Rude, But…: Backstage Gossip from American Idol & the Secrets that Can Make You a Star (2003)
When It Should’ve Been Written: Simon doesn’t know this yet, but no one actually cares about backstage secrets fromÂ American Idol.Â But I’m willing to bet a lot of people would be down to read about the backstage secrets of that affair that he had with his best friend’s wife, with whom he fathered a baby and started a relationship (in that order).
6. Tori Spelling
Â (Photo: Anthony Monterotti/Pacific Coast News)
The Memoir:Â Spelling It Like It Is (2013)
When It Should’ve Been Written:Â Some time in the future, when the rumors about Dean McDermott cheating on her are resolved. Everyone loves a juicy story about adultery and I’m not saying that they’ll turn out to be true, but I’m notÂ notÂ saying it either.
7. Justin Bieber
(Photo: Thomas Janssen/Pacific Coast News)
The Memoir: Justin Bieber: Just Getting Started (2012)
When It Should’ve Been Written: Um, hello! After his most recent drama that will go down in history as the most deserved arrest to ever start with a carton of eggs. He has also threatened retirement, dated a famous actress who is now dating his clone, and had many a public brawl, which I think would make for some nice chapter filler.
8. Pattie MalletteÂ
(Photo: Optic Photos/Pacific Coast News)
The Memoir:Â Nowhere But Up (2012)
When It Should’ve Been Written:Â Any day now, really. Justin will probably do a few more controversial things before he seeks help from a profesh, so Pattie can take the opportunity to cash in on her kid just a teensy bit further.
(Photo: Thomas Janssen/Pacific Coast News)
The Memoir:Â My Crazy Beautiful Life
When It Should’ve Been Written:Â The moment she gets out of rehab for her struggles caused by her douchey producer. Although, honestly, this just opens a window for her to make money off of the experience by writing a second book.
10. One Direction
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The Memoir:Â Where We Are: Our Band, Our Story 100% Official (2013)
When It Should’ve Been Written: When they’ve got some more accomplishments under their belts. Look, I harbor a secret love for
The Harry Styles Band One Direction as much as the next girl, but even I will admit that there’s absolutely no reason for them to have three memoirs already. Yes, you’d better believe that they’ve come out with one every year since winning The X-Factor and it’s out of control.
11.Â Vinny Guadagnino
(Photo: Jose Perez/Pacific Coast News)
The Memoir:Â Control the Crazy: My Plan to Stop Stressing, Avoid Drama, and Maintain Inner Cool (2012)
When It Should’ve Been Written:Â It’s still up in the air right now, but I’m thinking he’ll be golden as soon as he can get the world to stop thinking of him asÂ Jersey Shore’sÂ resident eyebrow guy. Your day will come Mr. Brows, your day will come.
12. The Wanted
(Photo: Dan Callister/Pacific Coast News)
The Memoir: 100% Official: Our Story, Our Way (2012)
When It Should’ve Been Written: Maybe after they’d broken up, but also maybe never. After all, you can only say so much about being in One Direction’s mini-me band. And, speaking of 1D, what is actually up with their book title being almost exactly the same as The Wanted’s?
13. Kris Jenner
(Photo: CPA/Pacific Coast News)
The Memoir:Â Kris Jenner . . . And All Things Kardashian (2012)
When It Should’ve Been Written: Once actual famous people started acknowledging Kris as a fellow celebrity. Because I would imagine that nothing gets books off the shelves faster than stories about what it’s like being BFFs with BeyoncĂ©.
14. Paula Deen
(Photo: Pacific Coast News)
The Memoir:Â Paula Deen: It Ain’t All About The Cookin’ (2007)
When It Should’ve Been Written:Â After she accidentally revealed to the world that she was insanely racist because everyone knows that sex and controversy sell.