Whenever I watch Scandal, I feel like I am the baddest bitch in the world. And then, I realize I’m not Kerry Washington, and so I get sad. Then I realize I’ve just eaten myself through another box of Oreo cookies, and then it’s like rinse and repeat after every episode. Always sad, always out of cookies. But it’s totes okay you guys, because I can just live vicariously through Olivia Pope for the rest of my life, having an intimate, parasocial relationship with Scott Foley… fantasizing over him and his big, strong CIA hands that move up and down my … I’ll stop there because you’re just going to have to buy the book to read the rest of my soon-to-be famous erotic fan fiction.
Needless to say, if you aren’t already stalking the show, or more importantly Kerry Washington, like the next Gladiator, it’s pretty much a given that you are one of two people: Gabrielle Union or the Devil. It’s practically been written into the mental Constitution that everyone pledge their allegiance to three women in this world: Beyonce, Lorde and Kerry (sorry Michelle Obama). And what better way to show our appreciation than by increasing Olivia’s clientele, right?
So here are 8 new
assholes clients that need to be broken in by the mighty Pope!
1. Justin Bieber
Just in case you missed last week’s infamous smugshot, you can relive the reality check of the year again. And let’s just say, the Biebs finally got the whole meaning of “not ‘bout that life” when the wakeup call of his own life came in the form of a pair of handcuffs and an angry mob of Beliebers. Too bad that whole deportation thing hasn’t followed through yet.
2. Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift actually seems like the type of train wreck to come crying into Pope & Associates headquarters on a daily, if not hourly, basis. The girl has suffered more breakups than Kit-Kat bar commercials and it suffices to say that not even Lil Wayne could teach her how to love. Then again, fixing her may not be worth it, seeing as she already has a reputation for bouncing from man to man as it is. It would only be a matter of time before she’d start pawing at President Fitz’s door, or worse, Jake Ballard‘s. And naturally, Huck would then have to drink the whiskey for old time’s sake.
3. Chris Brown
Seems like just about every day of the month is “that time of the month” for C. Breezy, or Woman Beater or whatever Jesus wants us to call him now. When he isn’t busy smashing windows, losing weight for no reason or attending cheerleading practice, I’m sure Chris is just somewhere out there thinking of ways to reinvent his image. But with a potty mouth like his that only spews homophobic slurs and a natural inclination to simply break shit, Brown has just about overdosed on fame in every way possible. As much as I’d like to see another Chris Brown-inspired episode of my favorite television show, I don’t think allowing a terrorist into Pope & Associates would sit well with, you know, the President of the United States.
4. Macaulay Culkin
I don’t know which is scarier, knowing Mila Kunis once had sex with Macaulay Culkin or the fact that Macaulay Culkin now looks too much like Macaulay Culkin. Maybe Olivia isn’t the right person to send him to, but dammit, I really really want to know if Macaulay’s real father is Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
5. Charlize Theron
This one is a (well-deserved) stretcher, but let’s go with it. When I heard about Charlize Theron getting with Sean Penn my brain melted into a pile of applesauce. A very sad pile of applesauce, might I add. Sure, she’s beautiful, but obviously there’s something wrong with the picture when you decide to date a man who once owned over 60 guns at one time.
6. Farrah Abraham
When I considered Farrah, I had to ask myself one question: is she even worth saving? Then I took a big, long hard look into my imaginary mirror and realized maybe I was being a meanie. And so I tried thinking positively about how all the other failed-porn stars like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian who rose to the occasion and became even less tolerable Hollywood socialites. If it can work for them it can work for everyone, right? Wrong. How’s about she give Pope & Associates a call when someone leaks a video of her spontaneously conceiving at the brink of an awkward climax, now that’s a scandal!
7. Kris Jenner
As if spoiling our television screens with her spawn of superficial aliens weren’t enough to destroy the world, Kris decides to up the ante by ruining Broadway too! I understand, you’re upset at Bruce Jenner for shaving that thing on his neck after leaving you high and dry, but that doesn’t give you the right to go around flashing your penis all over New York!
8. Jon and Kate Gosselin
I’m quite certain Miss Pope would aptly disapprove of pimping one’s daughters out on national television to retain an ounce of relevancy that was practically never there to begin with. A few choice words to mommy Kate and a couple of swings from a Louisville slugger is all it would take to fix this broken family. Nonetheless, I’m sure Olivia wouldn’t mind recruiting the twins when they’re of age for systematically making their mother look like a domestic dictator we all know and hate. Touche, minions!