Whenever I watchÂ Scandal, I feel like I am the baddest bitch in the world. And then, I realize I’m notÂ Kerry Washington, and so I get sad. Then I realize I’ve just eaten myself through another box of Oreo cookies, and then it’s like rinse and repeat after every episode. Always sad, always out of cookies.Â But it’s totes okay you guys, because I can just live vicariously through Olivia Pope for the rest of my life, having an intimate, parasocial relationship withÂ Scott Foley… fantasizing over him and his big, strong CIA hands that move up and down my … I’ll stop there because you’re just going to have to buy the book to read the rest of my soon-to-be famous erotic fan fiction.
Needless to say, if you arenât already stalking the show, or more importantlyÂ Kerry Washington,Â like the next Gladiator, itâs pretty much a given that you are one of two people:Â Gabrielle Union or the Devil.Â Itâs practically been written into the mental Constitution that everyone pledge their allegiance to three women in this world: Beyonce, Lorde and Kerry (sorry Michelle Obama). And what better way to show our appreciation than by increasing Oliviaâs clientele, right?
So here are 8 new
assholes clients that need to be broken in by the mighty Pope!
1. Justin Bieber
Just in case you missed last week’s infamous smugshot, you can relive the reality check of the year again. And letâs just say, the Biebs finally got the whole meaning of ânot âbout that lifeâ when the wakeup call of his own life came in the form of a pair of handcuffs and an angry mob ofÂ Beliebers. Too bad that whole deportation thing hasn’t followed through yet.
2. Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift actually seems like the type of train wreck to come crying into Pope & Associates headquarters on a daily, if not hourly, basis. The girl has suffered more breakups than Kit-Kat bar commercials and it suffices to say that not even Lil Wayne could teach her how to love. Then again, fixing her may not be worth it, seeing as she already has a reputation for bouncing from man to man as it is. It would only be a matter of time before sheâd start pawing at President Fitzâs door, or worse, Jake Ballard‘s. And naturally, Huck would then have to drink the whiskey for old time’s sake.
3. Chris Brown
Seems like just about every day of the month is âthat time of the monthâ for C. Breezy, or Woman Beater or whatever Jesus wants us to call him now. When he isnât busy smashing windows, losing weight for no reason or attending cheerleading practice, Iâm sure Chris is just somewhere out there thinking of ways to reinvent his image. But with a potty mouth like his that only spews homophobic slurs and a natural inclination to simply break shit, Brown has just about overdosed on fame in every way possible. As much as Iâd like to see another Chris Brown-inspired episode of my favorite television show, I donât think allowing a terrorist into Pope & Associates would sit well with, you know, the President of the United States.
4.Â Macaulay Culkin
I donât know which is scarier, knowingÂ Mila KunisÂ once had sex with Macaulay Culkin or the fact that Macaulay Culkin now looks too much like Macaulay Culkin. Maybe Olivia isnât the right person to send him to, but dammit, I really really want to know if Macaulay’s real father isÂ GollumÂ fromÂ Lord of the Rings.
5.Â Charlize Theron
This one is a (well-deserved) stretcher, but letâs go with it. When I heard about Charlize Theron getting withÂ Sean PennÂ my brain melted into a pile of applesauce. A very sad pile of applesauce, might I add. Sure, sheâs beautiful, but obviously thereâs something wrong with the picture when you decide to date a man who once owned over 60 guns at one time.
6. Farrah Abraham
When I considered Farrah, I had to ask myself one question: is she even worth saving? Then I took a big, long hard look into my imaginary mirror and realized maybe I was being a meanie. And so I tried thinking positively about how all the other failed-porn stars like Paris Hilton and Kim KardashianÂ who rose to the occasion and became even less tolerable Hollywood socialites. If it can work for them it can work for everyone, right? Wrong. Howâs about she give Pope & Associates a call when someone leaks a video of her spontaneously conceiving at the brink of an awkward climax, now thatâs a scandal!
7. Kris Jenner
As if spoiling our television screens with her spawn of superficial aliens werenât enough to destroy the world, Kris decides to up the ante by ruining Broadway too! I understand, you’re upset atÂ Bruce Jenner for shaving that thing on his neck afterÂ leaving you high and dry, but that doesn’t give you the right to go around flashing your penis all over New York!
8. Jon and Kate Gosselin
I’m quite certain Miss Pope would aptly disapprove of pimping one’s daughters out on national television to retain an ounce of relevancy that was practically never there to begin with. A few choice words to mommy Kate and a couple of swings from a Louisville slugger is all it would take to fix this broken family. Nonetheless, I’m sure Olivia wouldn’t mind recruiting the twins when they’re of age for systematically making their mother look like a domestic dictator we all know and hate. Touche, minions!