• Thu, Jan 30 - 12:46 pm ET

Kendall Jenner’s Breaking Up One Direction With Her Fakelationship Demands, So You Can Insert Your Yoko Ono Joke Here

One Direction Band sitting and dancing

In incredibly tragic news that I can hardly handle typing, One Direction is on the verge of a break-up. And it’s all Kendall Jenner’s fault. While we all assumed that she arranged this fakelationship with Harry Styles to boost her own image, it’s starting to look like her plan’s a whole lot more sinister than that. You see, before Kendall Jenner, Harry Styles spent all his time with his bandmates — Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne and Louis Tomlinson — just frolicking around and making music.

But now Harry must spend all his time pretending to date Kendall Jenner. Which is exhausting. The hours he must spend in front of a mirror trying to make “I like Kendall Jenner” sound convincing when it comes out of his mouth would be enough to tucker anyone out. So far he can get out the “I like” part out pretty naturally. But after that it’s a total mess. “I like K….angaroos Jambalya,” is where I last heard he was at on that front. How can any reasonable person expect him to squeeze in band practice on top of relationship practice?

A source recently came forward to OK! Magazine with the news that Harry Styles is so consumed by his fakelationship with Kendall that he has no time for One Direction. Also that Kendall Jenner’s a witch who can cast spells. (I haven’t watched the finale of American Horror Story yet, so don’t spoil it and tell me if she’s The Supreme.)

“She seems to have cast a spell over Harry and it’s disrupting other areas of his life because he’s always wanting to spend time with her or chat with her on the phone when they’re apart. It’s causing a lot of unrest.”

Getting stressed? Well, it only gets worse.

 Kendall’s reportedly causing so much tension within 1D that the boys’ arguments are actually getting physical! “The other day, Harry and Niall [Horan] almost came to blows when Niall confronted Harry when he showed up late for a meeting,” the same source said. “Things got out of hand before Zayn [Malik] stepped in to break them up.”

Did you read that there? ALMOST CAME TO BLOWS. You know what comes after that right? Blows. Which are like punches, but far more dignified because they’re called blows. Also because you apologize with a “sorry chap!” right afterwards. British politeness aside, everyone knows that almost-blows always lead to maybe break-ups.

While I wish I could tell you that everything’s going to be okay, I’ve never been very good at lying. Especially when it comes to reality stars who can cast spells. All we can hope is that their fakelationship contract runs out before Kendall Jenner breaks up the band and ruins our lives and ughhh. How any of us will keep going if this band breaks up is beyond me.

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  • Alexis Rhiannon

    Know how this isn’t true? Zayn would never have put his face in between a fist and anything. Hendall4ever.

  • ltl

    God you write a load of endless shite.

  • Kate

    Apparently Sony wrote a clause into their contract last year that they don’t get the massive “pay day” until after 3 years, and if one of them leaves the band before 2016 then they ALL lose out on the money (as in millions and millions of hard-earned boy band dollars) http://www.contactmusic.com/news/one-direction-sign-tight-contract_3437713 ….sounds like a pretty decent reason to stick it out for 2 more years. And also a completely valid complaint by the other 4 when one of the members seems flaky. Also, I really need to spend 48% less of my energy on boy bands.

  • shaima

    This sounds like a bad fanfiction. Their pr team should come up with better stories. Come on!

  • Jessie

    “Hendall4ever” no boo stfu why dont u steal kendall and go away

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Hmmm.

  • Kay

    Hendall is so stupid….

    • Christine Bard

      Very! Hope its over now! :)

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