Rarely does a day go by on which I wouldn’t switch places with Beyonce in a heartbeat, but she’s rubbing it in my face especially aggressively today. It’s not that my own life isn’t great, but I have a few qualms about it, and they’re all brought up by the adorable family photos that Bey posted to her personal Tumblr. They were taken at Jay Z‘s fortieth birthday party last December, while Beyonce padded around barefoot with Blue Ivy in tow, and I have to stop looking through them before I start practicing life-swapping spells.
HERE ARE SAID QUALMS.
Qualm number one: I can’t pull off black-and-white photos, and they can. Even (especially?) in candids, whenever I go for the relaxed, carefree look that the Knowles-Carter family is pulling off so effortlessly, I end up looking like an old-timey prairie wife studiously avoiding eye contact with the camera and clenching my wooden teeth.
Qualm number two: that’s not what I look like in leather pants. No matter how many months in a row I pay for the gym without going, I can’t get my legs to look like anything other than really sassy tubes of toothpaste stumping around. It’s a tragedy.
Qualm number three: no one can casually pick me up and hoist my curvaceous-yet-lithe body about, least of all my successful-yet-grounded rapper husband.
Qualm number four: I don’t have a successful-yet-grounded rapper husband.
Qualm number five: Barclay’s Center isn’t available as a venue for my every birthday whim, no matter how many passive-aggressive emails I send them.
Qualm number six: never have I gazed at anything other than a Chipotle burrito with the same level of pure adoration that Jay is directing at Blue.
So yeah, these are my complaints, Bey. I’m sure you’re fielding a lot of them, because these photos are frankly ridiculous (in an adorable way), but as soon as you get time to address my concerns, you just let me know.