Today is Oprah Winfrey’s 60th birthday. If you just felt money being pulled out of your wallet without your consent, it’s probably because everyone in the universe (even aliens) are obligated to donate to the Oprah birthday fund. Or so I’d assume. This is Oprah we’re talking about, after all. If it turns out that God is neither Beyonce nor Ryan Gosling, it’s definitely Oprah. And even if she’s not the big guy in the sky, she’s the God of daytime talk show hosts. So obviously her disciple Ellen DeGeneres is required to wish her a happy birthday.
Ellen made the call on her show so we could all hear their intimate conversation. But first she presented Oprah with her birthday gift, a vajazzled portrait of her. Sorry, I guess bedazzled is the correct word there. I just stared a little too long at that new photo of Jennifer Lawrence in X-Men yesterday, and it haunted my dreams. Ellen tells Oprah she has to come to the show herself to pick it up, because shipping would cost too much. Something tells me that picture is going to stay in storage for a while. Oprah probably has fifty more bedazzled portraits at home — and they’re made with diamonds.
But back to Ellen’s birthday phone call. Ellen punches the numbers into her phone, and she punches quite a few of them. I know Oprah’s really important and rich, but as far as I know her phone number doesn’t have a bazillion digits. You can judge for yourself, but I’m not 100 percent certain that Ellen is actually talking to Oprah in this video. I know what you’re thinking. I’m such a conspiracy theorist. If I’m not saying Harry Styles and Kendall Jenner are faking their relationship, I’m saying Ellen is faking her phone call to Oprah. What can I say? Everything in pop culture is fake to me until proven real. It’s a blessing and a curse.