It’s tough to be an Oscar-nominated actor, you guys. Or right now it is, anyway — I’m sure it’ll all be fine once the statues are actually awarded, but in the meantime, egos. are. soaring.
And rightfully so, because an Academy Award is a really incredible thing, even a nomination. Everyone should be patting themselves on the back. But we should also be aware of the fact that right now, there are ten people walking around thinking they’re top of the heap, cream of the crop, king of — this is a Frank Sinatra song, isn’t it? — the hill. And we can’t have that, because it throws off the whole Hollywood pH. With so many people swaggering around Los Angeles, there’s a very real danger that it might sink into the sea.
And we can’t have that, so we’re putting ourselves on the case. Just to help celebrities maintain a good healthy equilibrium, Crushable has decided to take each Oscar nominee for Best Actor and Best Actress and keep their ego in check…by reminding them of the worst movie they’ve ever done. It doesn’t make their current achievements any less impressive, but sometimes it’s good to get taken down a peg.
1. Christian Bale
Nominated For: American Hustle
Worst Movie Ever: Harsh Times (2005)
Christian would probably say his worst movie was Newsies, because he apparently really hates that movie, but I love it, so NOPE. Instead I opted for Harsh Times, a movie in which he puts on a really crappy accent and investigates violence in Los Angeles.
2. Amy Adams
Nominated For: American Hustle
Worst Movie Ever: Leap Year (2010)
Even the pretense for this movie is absurd — once every four years, on Leap Year, a woman can propose to a man. I KNOW. Even though she’s a woman, Amy Adams embarks on a hilarious quest to go propose to her fiance, a man. Hijinks!!!!
3. Bruce Dern
Nominated For: Nebraska
Worst Movie Ever: Coffin Baby (2013)
First of all, let me say — THAT TRAILER IS HORRIFYING DON’T WATCH IT I WARNED YOU. But second of all, yup, you read that right. Bruce Dern made both Nebraska and Coffin Baby in the same year. Get after it.
4. Cate Blanchett
Nominated For: Blue Jasmine
Worst Movie Ever: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
I’m sure she was probably great in it, because I highly doubt Cate has ever been bad in a movie, but she had a severe haircut, a pidgin German dialect, and Shia LaBeouf was working hard enough for the both of them, so I’m counting it.
Nominated For: The Wolf of Wall Street
Worst Movie Ever: The Man In The Iron Mask (1998)
“The cruel King Louis XIV of France has a secret twin brother who he keeps imprisoned. Can the twin be substituted for the real king?”
I’m just gonna leave that IMDb blurb right there and watch Leo’s first flourish in the trailer like ten more times.
Nominated For: Gravity
Worst Movie Ever: All About Steve (2009)
I had a lot of options at my disposal, but if you thought I was gonna choose a worst movie for Sandra that wasn’t All About Steve, you’ve got another think coming. She plays an insane, desperate woman who literally STALKS Bradley Cooper until he agrees to date her. And then later that same year, The Blind Side came out. So pardon me if I have some questions about her judgement.
7. Chiwetel Ejiofor
Nominated For: 12 Years a Slave
Worst Movie Ever: 2012 (2009)
Remember back in the day when we thought the world was gonna end in 2012? And then three years before that happened, we made a movie about it? Good thing that movie will never be out of date.
8. Judi Dench
Nominated For: Philomena
Worst Movie Ever: The Chronicles Of Riddick (2004)
Judi, WHAT ARE YOU DOING. Not only are you starring in a franchise helmed by Vin Diesel, you’re wearing a classy little space-nun’s habit while you do it.
9. Matthew McConaughey
Nominated For: Dallas Buyers Club
Worst Movie Ever: Failure To Launch (2006)
Ohhh boy. Matthew is another one like Sandra, with a ton of options, and I did consider Fool’s Gold for him as well, but I decided to go with the movie where he plays an adult man who lives at home, whose parents hire him a concubine to lure him out instead of just ASKING HIM TO LEAVE. But omg so many fun capers, you’re gonna love it.
10. Meryl Streep
Nominated For: August: Osage County
Worst Movie Ever: Mamma Mia! (2008)
I know that there are lots of people out there who like this movie, and like two in every three British households own a copy of it or something, but no. No no no no no no no.