• Mon, Jan 27 - 11:39 am ET

’90s Movies That Couldn’t Be More ’90s If They Tried

You've got mail meg ryan AOL

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There are some movies from our childhood that I already know will be timeless classics. That we’ll watch with our children on our 4D holographic TVs, huddled inside our spaceships, while taking a break from battling space apes. Then there are other movies that I’m not quite sure how I’ll possibly explain to them. Everything in them is already so dated that when I re-watch them now I feel like the oldest human being alive. “Life really used to be like that?” I find myself asking my TV aloud, trying to confirm that we really acted that way, and worse, dressed that way.  And they’re only 10-20 years old now. So good luck to them lasting much longer on the TBS weekend line-up, let alone into the future.

1. You’ve Got Mail

Nothing from this AOL infomercial stands the test of time. From the spammy email addresses — Dear: Shopgirl, Love: NY152 — to bookstores still being a viable business, the whole thing’s as old-fashioned as online anonymity.

2. Never Been Kissed

Life was so simple when no one questioned a teacher shamelessly hitting on his student. In class. On a ferris wheel. At prom. Really anywhere that potential witnesses existed. Because what’s illegal about falling in love?

3. Clueless

As if this one wouldn’t make the list! Valley Girls are like, so, totally ’90s. Also, science now proves conclusively that virgins can, in fact, drive.

4. The Truman Show

It’s so awwdorably precious to realize that we used to think that following a human being around and exploiting his life for ratings was a futuristic idea.

5. The Parent Trap

This movie’s would’ve ended five minutes in if Google existed in the ’90s.

Hallie: “Dad, what’s mom’s name?”

13 seconds later

Hallie: “Dad, can I have your credit card so I can book a flight to London and meet Mom? K. Thanx. Also fuck you for not telling me I have an identical twin sister. But whatever. Oh and Chessie, CHILI NOW PLEASE!”

6. Notting Hill

With all these horrible celebrity bloggers running around (or I should say typing around), it’s unfathomable that Hugh Grant would show up to that final press conference unrecognized. Or that he wouldn’t be starring on an Oxygen reality show called “I Ruined an Actress’ Life” by the time Julia Roberts returned to London. You snooze, you lose A-List star who thought hooking up with a normal one weekend was so kitschy.

7. Forces of Nature

Smart phones make cheating on your fiance to get “it” out of your system so much harder. What is “it” and why do men have to get it of their system before getting married? Oh just it. And once it’s out, marriage is a total breeze. Or a hurricane you might say….(I’m done, I’ll show myself out.)

8. Blast from The Past

Can we get a remake of this movie from 1999 to now. Or here’s a wacky idea that I just copyrighted mentally, a TV show where every week he blasts from the past into a year? If he thinks computers are wacky, wait until he sees Google Glass.

9. Spice World

Zig-a-zag-I-think-this-one-made-the-list-for-obvious-reasons

10. It Takes Two

Overalls? CHECK! Backward hats? CHECK. A family rom-com starring Kirstie Alley and Steve Guttenberg? CHECK?!?

11Being John Malkovich

I’m sorry to be rude, but who the hell is John Malkovich?

12. Titanic

Egad! To think this was at one point made with groundbreaking technology! The whole thing comes off more like a beginner film school project rather than an Oscar-winning film.

13. Space Jam

There was a time in history when someone could walk into a room filled with movie executives and pitch a space/sports movie crossover starring Michael Jordan and cartoon characters. That time began and ended in 1996.

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  • Kelly

    Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitters Dead

    • Jenni

      Touche! Always assumed that was 80s. But Google tells me 1991.

  • Kelly

    Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitters Dead

  • ola

    Umm…but instead of Forces of Nature trailer, there’s Notting Hill’s

    • Jenni

      Ummm…fixed!

    • ola

      Thanks!
      And Sandra Bullock was there? Now I need to watch this movie :)

  • T

    What ever happened to Brendan Fraser…?

    • Jenni

      ….he knew that George of the Jungle was his peak so he quietly left Hollywood. Or so I like to pretend.

    • http://gabrielle2lastnames.tumblr.com/ Gabrielle Hanson-Moore

      He’s the voice of one of the main characters in that new movie “Nut Job” actually.

  • mdoll

    Hackers

    • tSubh Dearg

      My other half, who is a programmer, thinks Hackers is the funniest film ever because it is so so wrong. I think I need to make him watch it again just to see him spluttering in indignation :D

  • Porkchop

    “To think this was at one point made with groundbreaking technology! The
    whole thing comes off more like a beginner film school project…”

    WHAT! I’m swooning with indignation for that effects crew! Is there something they could have done that was more real than taking a camera to the bottom of the Atlantic and filming the actual wreck? Or rebuilding parts of the ship and actually flooding them? I think it holds up, you know? :)

    • Knour1945

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    • aky1ify

      Thank you! I read that caption twice because I thought surely I misunderstood. That movie is extremely well-done and imo timeless.

  • Mike Baturoni

    Two movies I’ve watched in the last few years that look like 90s time capsules on celluloid are “So I Married an Axe murderer” & “Chasing Amy”

  • StephC12

    Dude, Space Jam was my favorite. Have you seen the website? It’s a treat.

    • Jenni

      Haha yes! I love it so much.