There are some movies from our childhood that I already know will be timeless classics. That we’ll watch with our children on our 4D holographic TVs, huddled inside our spaceships, while taking a break from battling space apes. Then there are other movies that I’m not quite sure how I’ll possibly explain to them. Everything in them is already so dated that when I re-watch them now I feel like the oldest human being alive. “Life really used to be like that?” I find myself asking my TV aloud, trying to confirm that we really acted that way, and worse, dressed that way. And they’re only 10-20 years old now. So good luck to them lasting much longer on the TBS weekend line-up, let alone into the future.
1. You’ve Got Mail
Nothing from this AOL infomercial stands the test of time. From the spammy email addresses — Dear: Shopgirl, Love: NY152 — to bookstores still being a viable business, the whole thing’s as old-fashioned as online anonymity.
2. Never Been Kissed
Life was so simple when no one questioned a teacher shamelessly hitting on his student. In class. On a ferris wheel. At prom. Really anywhere that potential witnesses existed. Because what’s illegal about falling in love?
As if this one wouldn’t make the list! Valley Girls are like, so, totally ’90s. Also, science now proves conclusively that virgins can, in fact, drive.
4. The Truman Show
It’s so awwdorably precious to realize that we used to think that following a human being around and exploiting his life for ratings was a futuristic idea.
5. The Parent Trap
This movie’s would’ve ended five minutes in if Google existed in the ’90s.
Hallie: “Dad, what’s mom’s name?”
13 seconds later
Hallie: “Dad, can I have your credit card so I can book a flight to London and meet Mom? K. Thanx. Also fuck you for not telling me I have an identical twin sister. But whatever. Oh and Chessie, CHILI NOW PLEASE!”
6. Notting Hill
With all these horrible celebrity bloggers running around (or I should say typing around), it’s unfathomable that Hugh Grant would show up to that final press conference unrecognized. Or that he wouldn’t be starring on an Oxygen reality show called “I Ruined an Actress’ Life” by the time Julia Roberts returned to London. You snooze, you lose A-List star who thought hooking up with a normal one weekend was so kitschy.
7. Forces of Nature
Smart phones make cheating on your fiance to get “it” out of your system so much harder. What is “it” and why do men have to get it of their system before getting married? Oh just it. And once it’s out, marriage is a total breeze. Or a hurricane you might say….(I’m done, I’ll show myself out.)
8. Blast from The Past
Can we get a remake of this movie from 1999 to now. Or here’s a wacky idea that I just copyrighted mentally, a TV show where every week he blasts from the past into a year? If he thinks computers are wacky, wait until he sees Google Glass.
9. Spice World
10. It Takes Two
Overalls? CHECK! Backward hats? CHECK. A family rom-com starring Kirstie Alley and Steve Guttenberg? CHECK?!?
11. Being John Malkovich
I’m sorry to be rude, but who the hell is John Malkovich?
Egad! To think this was at one point made with groundbreaking technology! The whole thing comes off more like a beginner film school project rather than an Oscar-winning film.
13. Space Jam
There was a time in history when someone could walk into a room filled with movie executives and pitch a space/sports movie crossover starring Michael Jordan and cartoon characters. That time began and ended in 1996.