• Sat, Jan 25 - 11:48 am ET

Justin Bieber Still Putting Pressure On God To Miraculously Turn Him Into A Non-Douche

Justin Bieber leaving Miami house January 2014

Poor God. Everybody demands so much of Him. It’s no wonder He hasn’t gotten around to that whole world peace thing, considering He’s busy giving Katy Perry big boobs and helping that high school football team win the state championship. That’s why I refrain from prayer; I don’t want to give Him too much extra work to do. But Justin Bieber doesn’t seem to care that God has a full plate. Since Bieber really hates taking responsibility for his own actions, he’s putting pressure on God to look out for him.

In case you’ve been living with the Amish for the past two days (and even then you’d probably know), I’ll remind you that Justin Bieber was recently arrested in Miami for DUI. After posting an Instagram photo comparing himself to suspected child molester Michael Jackson, Bieber left his Miami residence last night to a swarm of paparazzi and fans, and just like in his now-infamous mugshot, he was all smiles. But that doesn’t mean he’s not a poor unfortunate soul who needs God. He tweeted the following message to his fans last night:

Wow, way to put pressure on God to live up to your expectations. Bieber posted a similar God-related message on an Instagram selfie yesterday, writing “Thank u lord.” I know God always prefers to be spoken to in text message shorthand, so I’m sure He appreciated the shout-out. But really, what is he thanking God for? Giving him enough money to post bail and get his ass out of jail? Maybe if Bieber put a little less responsibility on God and a little more responsibility on himself, things would go better for him. It’s the exact same problem his mother displayed when she asked us to pray for him instead of trying out that whole parenting thing.

I can’t help but be reminded of a joke my mom always recites when situations like this occur. A guy prays to God to win the lottery, and God responds, “Meet me halfway! Buy a damn ticket!” Even if you find comfort in prayer, there comes a point where you have to meet the big guy upstairs halfway and at least make an effort to not be a total dick. As much as Bieber wants to make himself out to be a victim of some kind of “only 19″ syndrome, he’s not. The only person who has the power to change his behavior is him, and he’s made it very clear that he doesn’t want to do that.

(Photo: Manuel Munoz, PacificCoastNews)

You can reach this post's author, Jill O’Rourke, on twitter.
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  • seymour butz

    i prayed for the lord to incarcerate then deport jesus beibers but it dont work