Ah, young love. Isn’t it grand? If you need more proof of that, look no further than Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, who reconciled earlier this month on a romantic Segway ride but are now embroiled in a textual controversy. Radar Online reports they have obtained texts and nude photos Justin Bieber sent to Selena Gomez during a fight. Clearly Justin Bieber knows the first rule of debate: always send your opponent a photo of your penis to throw them off.
The text conversation was apparently forwarded to one of Selena’s friends (friends are the best) by a phone registered to her stepfather. It involves Selena Gomez saying what the world is thinking and calling Bieber an asshole. She then calls him a drug addict and tells him to get help. Obviously the only choice Bieber had at this point was to send her a photo of his erect penis with the message “Don’t tell me you don’t miss this.” Radar is sure to remind us that Bieber is left-handed, therefore that’s the hand he uses to grab his penis in the photo. He also likely used that hand to help him pee his signature in the snow in Aspen this weekend.
Here’s the alleged text conversation, as transcribed by The Daily Mail.
Justin: ‘Baby come on, I love you’
Selena: ‘I don’t buy that bulls**t anymore. I was honest with you and I gave you a second chance. All my friends were right, You’re such an a*****e.’
Justin: ‘You’re all I need right now. I know I can make it right with you.’
Selena: ‘U r a drug addict. U need help.’
Justin: ‘Come on. Don’t tell me you don’t miss this.’
Selena: ‘Stop. You need to listen to Scooter [Braun, Bieber's manager] and go to rehab.
U r sick.’
Justin: ‘Rehab? F**k that! I make that f****r so much money. Cum on baby.’
Selena: ‘Why r u sending these to me. We r done. And how can u let [Lil Za] take the fall for your actions.’
‘U need to grow the f**k up. I hope you get jail time. U deserve it at this point.’
Justin: ‘F**K YOU!!!!! I need to grow up?! HA ok! Enjoy life with OUT ME B***H!!! F**k you. F**k Scooter. F**k all y’all. IAM DONE!’
Selena: ‘Good!!! Go retire or whatever bulls**t attention ur trying to get.’
Justin: ‘Can’t hear you over my cash, babe! You’re only famous cuz of me. You know it.
I know. Everybody knows. Bye. … Go f**k someone else. Keep that talentless p***y away from me!’
So charming, right? One day I hope to have a boyfriend who’ll text me such sweet nothings. Of course Bieber’s team is denying that he sent the texts, and now so is Selena’s rep, who told the Mail the texts are “not real.” I’m not ready to write it off so fast, though. Until we get Tati Neves to look at the picture and confirm whether it’s Bieber’s penis, I’ll refrain from forming an opinion. But I will delight in the fact that Selena seems to have done a Freaky Friday with the universe and said what we’re all thinking. I guess that means at some point last week we were all briefly Selena Gomez. I knew I had the “na na na” part of “Come and Get It” stuck in my head more than normal.