• Tue, Jan 21 - 2:06 pm ET

12 Times I Didn’t Understand The Bachelor Because I Grew Up With A Gay Parent

Women on group date on The Bachelor season 18, episode 3 January 2014I had a really hard time watching The Bachelor last night, guys. I’ve always thought that I understood it before, but after Juan Pablo Galavis‘ really enlightening comments about the perversion of homosexuality, I realized that there’s so much in this life that confuses me on account of growing up with a gay parent!

I thought that I was a semi-intelligent person, but after hearing what JP had to say, I realized that I’ve been lying to myself all this time

“I respect [gay people] but, honestly, I don’t think it’s a good example for kids. Obviously people have their husband and wife and kids and that is how we are brought up. Now there is fathers having kids and all that, and it is hard for me to understand that too in the sense of a household having peoples. Two parents sleeping in the same bed and the kid going into bed…it is confusing in a sense.”

It’s true! My mom had female partners, and it’s affected me far more than I ever knew. I just now looked at the diploma I thought I had hanging on my wall, and realized it’s just a bar napkin with sloppy kisses on it! And I showed up at my job this morning, and turns out I’m a troll living under a bridge, critiquing the billy goats that go clicking over my head. I’VE BEEN CRIPPLED FOR LIFE!

“There’s this thing about gay people, it seems to me, and I don’t know if I’m mistaken or not…but they’re more ‘pervert’ in a sense.”

You guys he’s not mistaken — it’s true. Gay people are such pervert. They are so much bigtime pervert that having one as a parent exploded my brain and made me a criminal deviant. And even worse, it made me unable to understand the simplest, best, most non-pervert show out there, The Bachelor. Here were just a few of the moments that were too much for my tiny pea brain to comprehend:

  1. When Juan Pablo and Cassandra were able to drive a car around in the water. What is this, the future?
  2. Why ten people all went on a date with the same guy. On television. For fame and fortune, but we’re calling it true love. This must not make sense to me because once I saw two ladies sleep in the same bed, and now I shall never recover.
  3. When Juan kissed Andi and Sharleen on the same date, but gave the rose to Nikki. I thought kissing = love.
  4. When Chelsie got the one-on-one date even though Elise promised that she wouldn’t and had a reference letter from her deceased mother. Maybe there is no god??? Please advise, JP. (Or also JC, if you’re listening.)
  5. Why Sharleen isn’t good at kissing, even though her face is beautiful.
  6. When Juan and Chelsie ate all that cheese before going to jump off the bridge? Does he have a vomit fetish? I don’t get it.
  7. Why Chelsie kept refusing to jump off a bridge with a literal stranger even though Juan kept sternly saying ‘LOOK AT ME’ and “Just do it for me” and obvi wanted her to do it. Doesn’t she love him yet???
  8. How Juan could say, “I think my biggest fear is not being an example for my daughter,” and then so cheerfully share his belief that gay people are gross.
  9. Why Kelly isn’t okay with letting a man see her ‘without her face on’, but is comfortable calling Kat a whore on camera.
  10. Also what it entails to be a ‘dog lover’ as your career.
  11. How Clare got all the way onto the show without expecting to have to share Juan Pablo.
  12. Why full-grown adult women are still going into the bathroom together to cry. Please explain.

So there was a lot that fell through the cracks in my mind, clearly, but I was able to catch the fact that Cassandra, Nikki, Chelsie, Andi, Renee, Kelly, Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Allison, Clare, Lauren, and Danielle are all coming back next week, while Lucy and Christy were eliminated.

Here’s hoping I have two straight parents by next week, so I can understand what the eff is going on!

(Photo: ABC)

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  • DMcG

    I have never seen this show, but #9 contains a lesson we should all write on a slip of paper and keep in our pockets forever.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      You should watch it, if only to learn that if you sit on a guy’s shoulders to chicken fight for more than twenty minutes (before marriage), you can safely be labeled a whore.

  • Misenhammer

    As yet another child of “pervert”(s), I, too, was ignorant of the hellish confusion that is my life. I thought that I was happy, well-adjusted, and loved by my wonderful friends and family, but now I see that that was all a facade, a visual illusion, probably caused by all that gay thrown in my eyeballs.

    Thank you. Now I can finally start to live.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      You’re welcome. Sorry that we’ve all been slipping through the cracks for so long, miscreants that we are.

  • MerlePerle

    My parents are both heterosexual and I still don’t have any answers….weird.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Maybe heterosexuality is a perversion, too??? Unsolved mysteries!

  • Mel

    I watched this show for the first time last night. It was really scary. And boring. And sad. Society has really gone round the bend, I suppose. Especially when a guy dating 20 women at the same time, in front of each other, for money has the nerve to call other people “pervert.”

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Yupppppp.

  • Laurel

    I love youuuuuu……

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Hahaha thank you!

  • MellyG

    It seems i have a lot of “perverts” as friends, and I NEVER knew – thank you bachelor, dating multiple women and exploiting yourself on tv SHOULD really be the norm, not ‘pervert” same sex couples. Here, i thought friends of mine in same sex relationships raising kids were happy and well adjusted – I mean, their kids SEEM to be happy and well adjusted……but I realize now oh eloquent bachelor, it has all been a horrible sham. I feel duped!

    • WTheend28

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    • Alexis Rhiannon

      We are so ignorant. It’s our own fault — we know not what we do.

  • Tisa Berry

    He corrected himself and explained that gay people tend to he more affectionate and display more PDA. Which I understand, i wouldn’t let my child watch the bachelor anyway, but if there is a young child, then seeing gay people kiss may be weird and confusing. A ‘typical’ family has a mom and a dad, so these kids are used to seeing mommy and daddy kids, but they are not used to seeing two males. It can raise questions that parents may not be ready to talk to their son/daughter about. While I think a gay bachelor/bachelorette would be great, it will potentially be confusing to younger children.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      It was never confusing for me to see my mom and her partners kiss when I was a kid. What WAS confusing was getting to school and seeing how homophobic my classmates and teachers were.

      I think you have this backward.

    • Tisa Berry

      You grew up with a gay parent, so it wasn’t confusing. But to a five year old whose never seen anything but a man and a woman kiss. Some parents have not explained homosexuality to their child. Some fine year olds will understand but others won’t. I don’t think a five year old should be watching the bachelor anyway. There are plenty of awesome television shows that present gay and lesbian couples appropriately (The Fosters on ABC Family is one of them). The bachelor will only create misconceptions and miscommunications about gays.

  • Tisa Berry

    He didn’t mean to say perverted, he meant more affectionate/likely to show more PDA. He blamed the language barrier, which I can understand because I have a friend who told my gay friend (when he was wearing pink) that he looked ‘gay’. My friend meant happy but it ended badly.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Regardless of his intention, blanket statements that gay people are ‘more affectionate’ or ‘more likely to show PDA’ are inaccurate, ignorant, and easily avoided.

  • Monica

    Hey was mistaken but in a different way. I think he was trying to translate the Spanish word “peversio” (meaning sexaul), and thought it meant pervert. He was trying to say the show would be more sexaulized.

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