While there have been several signs throughout my life that God and I are in an extremely one-sided relationship, this latest quote from Katy Perry proves it. In her new GQ interview, she says:
“I lay on my back one night and looked down at my feet, and I prayed to God. I said, ‘God, will you please let me have boobs so big that I can’t see my feet when I’m lying down?’ ” At age 11, “God answered my prayers,” she says, glancing south. “I had no clue they would fall into my armpits eventually.”
I’m sorry, what!?! Were all my prayers going straight to God’s voicemail? Because I know another little girl who also prayed for boobs. Who may or may not still lay on her back and pray for boobs. Especially after a long day at the beach, spent oogling other women with more blessed bosoms. Also, age 11? Was God just showing off? “You get boobs and you get boobs and you, young girl so distressed at the sight of your feet, you get big boobs!” (Yes, in my head Oprah and God are one in the same.)
Maybe the trick to getting God to do your bidding is to go overboard with your requests. All I ever prayed for were boobs. Just your basic run-of-the-mill boobs. Katy Perry on the other hand was all like, “I want boobs so big that I can’t see my feet. Or my hands. I want boobs so big that I wake up in the morning with my nipple poking out of my eyeball.” Perhaps her audacity got God’s attention. Perhaps God likes that she knew what she wanted. So God, if you’re reading this, I’d like to revise my earlier prayers. I want boobs so big that TLC gives each one its own reality show.