In what I hope is the most ironic video I’ll see today, Drake just advised me not to do drugs. Drake. Advised me. Not to do drugs.
With all due respect, Drake, I literally was not doing any. I was sitting here not doing one single drug, not even marijuana or nicotine or alcohol, which is not strictly a drug, but whatever I’m feeling generous. I was just sitting here minding my own business, working at a job that pays me money, and you dare to go on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon and tell me how to live my life? Only one of us is a millionaire rapper with access to and songs about a vast array of pharmaceuticals, Drake, and it’s not me. I’M OFFENDED.
Drake sat down with Jimmy last night, presumably to promote his Saturday Night Live appearance this weekend, and told the story of how he got cast on Degrassi, that show from our childhoods that apparently everybody watched but me. All I know is that it was Canadian, someone was in a wheelchair, and that it took on Dark Themes. I’ve found from experience that that’s all I need to fake a basic knowledge of it.
But anyway, Drake told the story of being cast on the show for the first time last night, and it turns out that day was a big one for him for a couple reasons — the other being that it was the first time he’d smoked weed. Meaning that he was high at his audition. And not just minor high, like paranoid, splashing water on his face like ten Clearasil commercials in a row, high.
And…he not only got a callback, but actually went on to get the part and become famous and now we all know his name. So let that be a lesson to you, kids…don’t do drugs.
No but seriously, don’t. Even Drake says he doesn’t perform high anymore after that first sobering (PUN 100% INTENDED) experience.