I have to make a confession, you guys. I don’t technically have to watch The Bachelor every week. I was supposed to cover the premiere and then not really worry about it unless something crazy happened from then on. But then something terrible happened, and I boarded the crazy-train right after the first episode, and now I HAVE TO SEE WHERE IT GOES.
And as long as I’m watching it for my own interest and anthropological research on the Marriage Seeking American Female, I might as well share my thoughts, right? (Right guys? Are you interested in my thoughts? You can say if you aren’t.)
And last night, my thoughts couldn’t help but center around toddlers, and how very much in common they have with the cast of the show. It was a little eerie, honestly, once you take out the make outs, how easily you could swap out little babies for Juan Pablo and the ladies and still have a very similar show. Don’t believe me? Here are some moments that might be instrumental in changing your mind:
- Clare was absurdly, manically delighted by the snow on her one-on-one date. There were points where she was just sitting in the middle of it and cackling.
- One woman, Lucy, forgot her swimsuit top, so she was strutting around topless in the hot tub, pleased as punch.
- Kat worried she wasn’t gonna be able to sleep the night before her one-on-one, because she got to see Juan Pablo the next day. Is he Santa Claus?
- Pretty much everyone on set refers to Juan Pablo as ‘this man’, like he’s a stranger they’re introducing to their parents.
- Juan Pablo LOVES SURPRISES THE MOST. And won’t stop saying so.
- Lucy continues taking a stand against shirts, flashes the camera.
- All the women go walking into their group date setting hand-in-hand like they’re kids on a museum field trip.
- …and once they got inside they TOOK OFF AT A RUN when they saw all the widdle doggies.
- The producers just assuming that Andi would be comfortable being naked. (And that it’s okay to ask that of an adult human.) The last time it was normal for me to run around in the nude in front of strangers, I was barely out of diapers.
- Victoria drunkenly needing to be told, “You’re not a dog and you’re not a child.”
- When Nikki asked Juan Pablo, “Are you gonna pick me up?”
- Victoria sobbing in the bathroom shouting “NO!” when Juan asked if she wanted to talk, then running through the building trying to escape. Such a case of the terrible twos.
- …and her explanation of that behavior being, “I feel everything really intensely. So when I’m mad I’m really mad, and when I’m happy I’m really happy!” Great, glad you’re an adult.
- Everyone crying at Renee, the mom of the group. It just feels right, y’know?
Coming out of the dates, Claire, Kat, and Kelly were safe, with roses, and Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Allison, Chelsie, Lauren, and Christie joined that list.
So the only people eliminated this week were Victoria, at her hotel, in advance, and Chantel and Amy L. at the Rose Ceremony, meaning that my group of four front-runners — Sharleen, Andi, Chelsie, and Renee — is still intact, and I am winning.
Also true story: I actually nodded off in between him picking up the final rose and calling the last girl’s name. That’s how long they took with that moment.