There’s nothing more satisfying after a long year of taking in pop culture than sitting back and celebrating it during Awards Season. From hearing Giuliana Rancic yell manicam on the red carpet at A-list stars to hearing flustered celebrities forget to thank their wives on stage, it’s just all so wonderfully entertaining. But, if we’re being honest here, it’s not all exactly equally entertaining. There I said it. Some award shows do happen to be better than others. And people tend not to always agree on which of those award shows are better. Which is okay! We’re all allowed to have different opinions. Some people dream about being best friends with Tina Fey, other people dream about being best friends with Amy Poehler. No one is wrong in this situation. But all the leading tabloid psychotherapists did agree in their annual “Stars We’re Diagnosing, But Have Never Treated” summit that the award show that you prefer says a lot about. More than a lot actually, it says everything.
So come along with me on this spiritual journey as we all learn more about ourselves.
1. People’s Choice Awards
You’re a CBS executive. Or Kaley Cuoco. Those are the only two options. Not that either of those are bad options! One means that you’ve figured out a way to turn an awards show into a two-hour commercial. And the other means you just got married. Did you know you just got married, Kaley? You haven’t mentioned it since you began reading this, so I just wanted to remind you!.
2. The Golden Globes
You would describe yourself on a dating profile as fun, carefree and spontaneous. Some of your friends whisper behind your back that you might have a drinking problem. But whatever, you’re young, YOLO, right!? Secretly, you’re saving up to get a tattoo of a four-leaf clover removed from your lower back.
3. The Critics Choice Awards/PGA Awards/ SAG Awards/ WGA Awards..or anything more obscure than that
The word pop culture disgusts you. You sneer at people who have cable. 3D superhero movies make you want to vomit. One time you accidentally watched a minute of Keeping up with the Kardashians and you felt the need to watch every foreign language film on Netflix to make up for it. You’ve never tried boxed wine.
4. The Grammys
When people ask you what kind of music you like, you always respond with, “everything except country, lol.” Sure you can recognize songs when they come on the radio, but you can never quite place them. I mean, you obvi know it’s Taylor Swift or Katy Perry, you just can’t remember which one. But that doesn’t mean you don’t love music! Why else would you willingly sit through a 3-hour eclectic concert on TV?
You live so vicariously through Downton Abbey that you mourned Matthew Crawley’s death for six straight months. And once you recovered from that, you spend the next six months mourning the fact that you’d never be Mrs. Benedict Cumberbatch. One time you had a weird dream where you got cast as the next Doctor Who. Except it wasn’t weird, it was amazing. You call oatmeal porridge.